I realized slowly over the last few months that I was afraid of allowing someone to really love me without any walls up. Then, right at the end of April, I came to the understanding that I didn't really believe I would get from people the same kind of totally accepting love I gave to them. I just didn't think I'd receive it from someone. And seeing it laid out before me in my mind was huge for me. It gave me a jumping off point to look back over the relationships I had had, my two engagements, the men I had lived with and see how this played out. I could see clearly that is why I always kept one foot on the ground and never jumped in fully with someone because I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I could see how it made me keeps those walls up in various ways so that there were places in my heart they never got to. I could see how in a lot of ways I showed up as who I thought they wanted me to be instead of who I was or I just didn't offer those parts of myself to them. I saw the lack of my communicating what I really wanted or needed because that level of vulnerability meant I would have to let them in more. I could see how my hesitation in committing fully to being with someone was absolutely coming from this place.
After seeing all of this, I thought "Well what do I have to "do" to get into the kind of relationship I want to be in?" I started trying to unravel that in some way. I thought I had to go back into my mind and my memories and pull up every potential moment that reinforced or caused me to engage with men like this. However, in the first few weeks of May I realized it was not going to be about drudging up the past. If you feel like you can not receive the love you want or are not worthy of the love you want to experience the walk is not about focusing on what you are going to get from someone else. Really the way people think about us, and even feel about us, is none of our business and their truth about what we do is not based on us necessarily or even on truth. People show up based on their own perception and through their own sight. You don't have to "convince" yourself that you are worthy of the love you need either. Your focus needs to be on standing in, focusing on your own truth, your own love. What are YOU bringing to the relationship?
How you show up in other people's lives was really the crux I realized. How we show up not just in the lives of our lovers but our family, our friends, the check out lady at the grocery store. When your focus is on you and how you are thinking and feeling the mind doesn't have time to worry about whether you can trust to receive ANYTHING or if they will give you what you want them to give you. When you shift the focus onto who you are, what you are bringing to the table everything else no longer matters so much. You need to do you... Everything else will fall into place after you begin to walk through your own life from this stance.
For me that means dropping the walls all the time and with everyone when I feel them go up, to stop protecting myself from the possibility of being judged or hurt if I show up without so many filters. It means speaking my truth all the time because love is about truth, people can not know you if are not telling them who you really are. The love I want to experience has to be demonstrated to the world first. I have to not just love someone else but I have to let myself be naked in the world and be loved. If my lover showed up and he gave me only portions of himself or loved me but wouldn't let me really love him... That shit would not work for me. I could not stay in a relationship where those were the rules. I can't therefore in good conscience bring that into the relationship myself. I have to stand in that totally accepting love I give to others COMPLETELY, not partially via protecting myself. Completely means accepting the love they give to me too and not worrying about judgement or being hurt.
After seeing all of this, I thought "Well what do I have to "do" to get into the kind of relationship I want to be in?" I started trying to unravel that in some way. I thought I had to go back into my mind and my memories and pull up every potential moment that reinforced or caused me to engage with men like this. However, in the first few weeks of May I realized it was not going to be about drudging up the past. If you feel like you can not receive the love you want or are not worthy of the love you want to experience the walk is not about focusing on what you are going to get from someone else. Really the way people think about us, and even feel about us, is none of our business and their truth about what we do is not based on us necessarily or even on truth. People show up based on their own perception and through their own sight. You don't have to "convince" yourself that you are worthy of the love you need either. Your focus needs to be on standing in, focusing on your own truth, your own love. What are YOU bringing to the relationship?
How you show up in other people's lives was really the crux I realized. How we show up not just in the lives of our lovers but our family, our friends, the check out lady at the grocery store. When your focus is on you and how you are thinking and feeling the mind doesn't have time to worry about whether you can trust to receive ANYTHING or if they will give you what you want them to give you. When you shift the focus onto who you are, what you are bringing to the table everything else no longer matters so much. You need to do you... Everything else will fall into place after you begin to walk through your own life from this stance.
For me that means dropping the walls all the time and with everyone when I feel them go up, to stop protecting myself from the possibility of being judged or hurt if I show up without so many filters. It means speaking my truth all the time because love is about truth, people can not know you if are not telling them who you really are. The love I want to experience has to be demonstrated to the world first. I have to not just love someone else but I have to let myself be naked in the world and be loved. If my lover showed up and he gave me only portions of himself or loved me but wouldn't let me really love him... That shit would not work for me. I could not stay in a relationship where those were the rules. I can't therefore in good conscience bring that into the relationship myself. I have to stand in that totally accepting love I give to others COMPLETELY, not partially via protecting myself. Completely means accepting the love they give to me too and not worrying about judgement or being hurt.
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