For roughly four days I was vacillating between okay and kinda reactive and annoyed. I was struggling, but managing to bring myself back into a semi-balanced state by getting away from the situation that was causing me to get frustrated and angry, to get reactive. But then around Friday night and well into Saturday evening the constant pressure, in the familiar grooves in the relationships where this was happening (family), I found myself neck deep in my own old bullshit. There I was... cursing, yelling and all into the story of how I was right. I was right to be angry. I was right to be hurt. I was right to react from the woundings of the past plus what was going on right now. And engaging like this sent me down into a spiral of other emotions like fear, guilt, futility, desperation and to make matters worse it snowballed until I was treading water and my legs were tired. I was sure I had to back track, to give up, that my situation had no satisfactory answer, and I was trapped.
I actively engaged this thinking too. I fed it for a good 24 hours. I was soooooo tied to that story of my pain and right-ness. I was clinging in the most deliciously painful way. I was IN it, believing all that hurt, futility and fear. In fact, I was so sure I was right
that all the practices (meditation, prayer, breathing, yoga) I decided (now get that, I actively chose) to NOT do. So here I was thinking circularly and being willing to pay whatever price I needed to in order to be "right" about what was going on. The shift only happened when, just for a few brief moments, I suspended disbelief in that story long enough to allow for something else.
And that is ALL it took. The moment I suspended the belief in what I was feeding with my mind, my thoughts, my emotions and my actions I got off the wheel. I got off the wheel of circular thinking, and self escalation through that thinking. Sometimes a little thing, suspended attachment to our own familiar patterns of reaction through a smile and a little laughter is all it takes to help us shift.
I am human, I might be on a journey of transforming my life through facing all sorts of demons from my past, but it is still real easy to get sucked back into old patterns. I could sit here and judge myself, I could condemn my slipping up, that would be easy to do. Where will it get me if I judge myself for a mistake, for a few moments of falling down? I will only end up feeling a little worse and that's a good way to send myself in the direction of going down that rabbit hole again. I just got out of there, pretty sure I do not want to go backwards again.
I suppose my point is two fold here... We are human, we can get into bad mental and emotional places but don't hate yourself for a mistake, an accident, don't engage in another form of going backwards. And two, allow the suspension of something else so you can get off the wheel and find your balance again. Go back to what works for you after the slip up and do THAT instead. Do the yoga, read your bible, laugh with someone, hope, meditate, pray, engage in a better way! Just do whatever it is that YOU DO for you to make you feel a little more peace, a little more centered, a little more grounded in possible and hope.
I actively engaged this thinking too. I fed it for a good 24 hours. I was soooooo tied to that story of my pain and right-ness. I was clinging in the most deliciously painful way. I was IN it, believing all that hurt, futility and fear. In fact, I was so sure I was right
that all the practices (meditation, prayer, breathing, yoga) I decided (now get that, I actively chose) to NOT do. So here I was thinking circularly and being willing to pay whatever price I needed to in order to be "right" about what was going on. The shift only happened when, just for a few brief moments, I suspended disbelief in that story long enough to allow for something else.
And that is ALL it took. The moment I suspended the belief in what I was feeding with my mind, my thoughts, my emotions and my actions I got off the wheel. I got off the wheel of circular thinking, and self escalation through that thinking. Sometimes a little thing, suspended attachment to our own familiar patterns of reaction through a smile and a little laughter is all it takes to help us shift.
I am human, I might be on a journey of transforming my life through facing all sorts of demons from my past, but it is still real easy to get sucked back into old patterns. I could sit here and judge myself, I could condemn my slipping up, that would be easy to do. Where will it get me if I judge myself for a mistake, for a few moments of falling down? I will only end up feeling a little worse and that's a good way to send myself in the direction of going down that rabbit hole again. I just got out of there, pretty sure I do not want to go backwards again.
I suppose my point is two fold here... We are human, we can get into bad mental and emotional places but don't hate yourself for a mistake, an accident, don't engage in another form of going backwards. And two, allow the suspension of something else so you can get off the wheel and find your balance again. Go back to what works for you after the slip up and do THAT instead. Do the yoga, read your bible, laugh with someone, hope, meditate, pray, engage in a better way! Just do whatever it is that YOU DO for you to make you feel a little more peace, a little more centered, a little more grounded in possible and hope.
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