So today is Valentine's day, I am up late, always seem to be these days and decided to come here. It isn't so much that I need someone to read this as much as I need for it to be in the world outside of my mind in some way... Given a voice of some sort.
I have been mulling love over in my head again. Love for me is the greatest hope, the ideal of life. I am not speaking simply of romantic love, though having a stable and genuine partner is a wonderful thing. I am speaking of love in general. Love for your children, your family, friends, even your career. An overall sense of belonging and connections. Love for me is a complex thing. It has a history of crashing and burning in big ways but also has been what I have held in the highest regard throughout my life. Feeling it, experiencing it, having it adds depth to the mundane parts of my life. When I am with someone I care about deeply the sense I get is one of truth and purpose. I don't know if that makes sense. But because love has had a tendency to be a thorny thing in my life in different ways, I meter it out slowly. It takes me a while to decide I am willing to face the thorns for someone be it a lover or a friend. I sometimes wish it were less complicated for me to do so, more like I was as a child. I was without filters then, I was willing to accept people immediately and with abandone. And if you were the odd man out, or seemed upset for some reason I would go above and beyond for you to feel that immediate acceptance.
On the one hand I know discernment is necessary, I learned that the hard way. On the other I dislike the idea people have to pass some sort of testing grounds to be allowed into my life. I suppose the balance has to be made where my own need to take my time and their desire to connect can be made. I am prone to keep most everyone these days at arms reach in one way or another. I've learned who I can talk to about what, what my role is in our interactions. And while it serves to keep things moving forward for the most part, I hate that there are parts of who I am they just don't want to deal with. It is a survival mechanism I keep in place to avoid confrontation and judgement, I know that is why it is there. But if my family for example, can't allow me to just be who I am what the hell does that say about our relationship? None of that is really the point I guess... The point is there are days when it is far easier to spend time alone than to navigate relationships for me. I don't have a role I am suppose to fill or a way I am expected to be. There is freedom in that. And maybe the reason it takes me so long to choose to allow someone new in is precisely because the dynamics in my family are so laced with judgement. Those judgements are part of the thorns of our relationships. It has always been that way and given the resistance I am met with when I try to change the dynamic, it will always be that way. I gave up on the idea I could affect the change myself. I realized recently that as long as they weren't able to look at the issue I wasn't going to get anywhere. And for now I can accept it.
I suppose the real question then is how do I find someone who is able to just allow me to be whoever I am and how do I drop the now fully ingrained tendency to filter who I am and only let them in very slowly? Maybe it isn't a problem, I guess there is a possibility I could be the way I am and for it to not matter that much to someone that I need to take my time... Though I can see where being kept at arms length and not expressing any affection can be hard to deal with being as I have been at the receiving end of it before. My experience with it was a feeling that I wasn't really wanted or trusted. That said, I guess it does matter after all.
So how do you do that? How do you allow someone to show up in your life and not have that wall up? I mean it isn't anyone else's responsibility to take that wall down brick by brick for us. It is our wall, we built it, not them. I am trying to think what it was that allowed me to tear down the wall over the last few months with someone I'd met. And it was them in a way because they expressed a general acceptance of who I was but really it was me. I think at some point I decided the possibility was worth the potential rejection. How does that translate into meeting someone new I wonder? I will have to think on that...
I have been mulling love over in my head again. Love for me is the greatest hope, the ideal of life. I am not speaking simply of romantic love, though having a stable and genuine partner is a wonderful thing. I am speaking of love in general. Love for your children, your family, friends, even your career. An overall sense of belonging and connections. Love for me is a complex thing. It has a history of crashing and burning in big ways but also has been what I have held in the highest regard throughout my life. Feeling it, experiencing it, having it adds depth to the mundane parts of my life. When I am with someone I care about deeply the sense I get is one of truth and purpose. I don't know if that makes sense. But because love has had a tendency to be a thorny thing in my life in different ways, I meter it out slowly. It takes me a while to decide I am willing to face the thorns for someone be it a lover or a friend. I sometimes wish it were less complicated for me to do so, more like I was as a child. I was without filters then, I was willing to accept people immediately and with abandone. And if you were the odd man out, or seemed upset for some reason I would go above and beyond for you to feel that immediate acceptance.
On the one hand I know discernment is necessary, I learned that the hard way. On the other I dislike the idea people have to pass some sort of testing grounds to be allowed into my life. I suppose the balance has to be made where my own need to take my time and their desire to connect can be made. I am prone to keep most everyone these days at arms reach in one way or another. I've learned who I can talk to about what, what my role is in our interactions. And while it serves to keep things moving forward for the most part, I hate that there are parts of who I am they just don't want to deal with. It is a survival mechanism I keep in place to avoid confrontation and judgement, I know that is why it is there. But if my family for example, can't allow me to just be who I am what the hell does that say about our relationship? None of that is really the point I guess... The point is there are days when it is far easier to spend time alone than to navigate relationships for me. I don't have a role I am suppose to fill or a way I am expected to be. There is freedom in that. And maybe the reason it takes me so long to choose to allow someone new in is precisely because the dynamics in my family are so laced with judgement. Those judgements are part of the thorns of our relationships. It has always been that way and given the resistance I am met with when I try to change the dynamic, it will always be that way. I gave up on the idea I could affect the change myself. I realized recently that as long as they weren't able to look at the issue I wasn't going to get anywhere. And for now I can accept it.
I suppose the real question then is how do I find someone who is able to just allow me to be whoever I am and how do I drop the now fully ingrained tendency to filter who I am and only let them in very slowly? Maybe it isn't a problem, I guess there is a possibility I could be the way I am and for it to not matter that much to someone that I need to take my time... Though I can see where being kept at arms length and not expressing any affection can be hard to deal with being as I have been at the receiving end of it before. My experience with it was a feeling that I wasn't really wanted or trusted. That said, I guess it does matter after all.
So how do you do that? How do you allow someone to show up in your life and not have that wall up? I mean it isn't anyone else's responsibility to take that wall down brick by brick for us. It is our wall, we built it, not them. I am trying to think what it was that allowed me to tear down the wall over the last few months with someone I'd met. And it was them in a way because they expressed a general acceptance of who I was but really it was me. I think at some point I decided the possibility was worth the potential rejection. How does that translate into meeting someone new I wonder? I will have to think on that...
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