If someone asked me how long I have been in prison I would say "My whole life." This of course being the prison I built for myself in my mind. I always feared the things people could or would do (based on some pretty bad events). This rock would lodge its self in my chest and the foreboding feeling of what their intent might really be would set in. Feeling like this, my suspicion up, the rock in my chest, the thought to just walk away before I found out I was right, the fear... It never stopped anyone from doing any of the things they were going to do. It never prevented a damn thing. It only made me feel trapped, mentally stuck, emotionally rigid, panicky, and afraid of what is or could be. It would leave me needing to escape in some way either by leaving the situation, emotionally checking out or going to some kind of pleasure to numb it out.
Fear... A prison I have actively engaged in my whole life. That rock in my chest dictating my experience with someone, with jobs, with everything really. I could break it down to what exactly I am so fearful of in each instance and that will be useful in dissolving its hold on me for sure but for now what is important is my choice to allow it to drive me. I have been a bird sitting in the cage that the door has been open to all along. The confines I have chosen to live in because sometimes things can go terribly wrong I don't think they have to be there. I am realizing that because being afraid I could get hurt never actually helped me stop from getting hurt, humiliated, ignored, taken advantage of, or lied to it has served me in no way. It has actually just made any bad thing that occurred lengthen out because I was afraid minutes, days, weeks, months, years before that thing that hurt me ever literally happened. This cage I chose to sit in it just made me feel trapped, unable to act like I wanted to... Throwing caution to the wind, jumping in with both feet, total willingness, complete faith, utterly free. I wanted to be the girl I was in every moment that I was far too infrequently, unashamed to risk, wild enough to dare, loud enough to speak my truth at a volume everybody could hear. I would rather have courage or be brave, step outside of the fear, release myself from this cage than be a prisoner any longer.
Life, loving someone, taking a step into a direction you never have does not have to be done from inside the confines of what could go wrong. New choices do not have to be made on past experiences. I can notice that the rock is on my chest, and choose to look at why it is there and if it will help me to move forward based on that feeling. Because the thing is, I can choose that fear or I can choose hope, faith, love, reckless abandone, and freedom. The choice is always mine how I am going to experience anything I go through. I might not get to choose who other people will be or what they will do but I have complete and total control over who I am going to be in that situation.
I don't think I a m going to choose to sit in the cage. I don't think I will put off freedom any longer. I think perhaps I have waited my whole life to learn to fly and it is finally time to let go, jump off that ledge and take to the sky.
Fear... A prison I have actively engaged in my whole life. That rock in my chest dictating my experience with someone, with jobs, with everything really. I could break it down to what exactly I am so fearful of in each instance and that will be useful in dissolving its hold on me for sure but for now what is important is my choice to allow it to drive me. I have been a bird sitting in the cage that the door has been open to all along. The confines I have chosen to live in because sometimes things can go terribly wrong I don't think they have to be there. I am realizing that because being afraid I could get hurt never actually helped me stop from getting hurt, humiliated, ignored, taken advantage of, or lied to it has served me in no way. It has actually just made any bad thing that occurred lengthen out because I was afraid minutes, days, weeks, months, years before that thing that hurt me ever literally happened. This cage I chose to sit in it just made me feel trapped, unable to act like I wanted to... Throwing caution to the wind, jumping in with both feet, total willingness, complete faith, utterly free. I wanted to be the girl I was in every moment that I was far too infrequently, unashamed to risk, wild enough to dare, loud enough to speak my truth at a volume everybody could hear. I would rather have courage or be brave, step outside of the fear, release myself from this cage than be a prisoner any longer.
Life, loving someone, taking a step into a direction you never have does not have to be done from inside the confines of what could go wrong. New choices do not have to be made on past experiences. I can notice that the rock is on my chest, and choose to look at why it is there and if it will help me to move forward based on that feeling. Because the thing is, I can choose that fear or I can choose hope, faith, love, reckless abandone, and freedom. The choice is always mine how I am going to experience anything I go through. I might not get to choose who other people will be or what they will do but I have complete and total control over who I am going to be in that situation.
I don't think I a m going to choose to sit in the cage. I don't think I will put off freedom any longer. I think perhaps I have waited my whole life to learn to fly and it is finally time to let go, jump off that ledge and take to the sky.
No comments:
Post a Comment