I have several things I do everyday to keep my focus on this journey I am on, be it yoga, meditation, prayer or educating myself in various ways. I don't adhere to a particular set of beliefs more or less because my intention is to find the truth and I recognize no one has a claim to all the truth anywhere. The fact is when you come across a truth of a thing there is an inner recognition of it on some level and the way is the way, it all leads to the same place. Today among my moments scattered across my day I came across this idea of worthiness, of my being worthy. Immediately I felt this resistance inside myself and it triggered part of me to say "let that idea go!" but another part of me said"What is that? Why is there this wanting to disengage from embracing this feeling or idea?"
So I have been thinking... What is it that makes us worthy? If we don't know/feel we are or have a resistance to completely embracing that idea, what would it take to make that happen?
I know by now that while the world around me, the people around me can affect how I feel, the real foundation of an idea like this is in me. And while the past surely influences how I already feel about that, which in some way or on some level is that I am not completely worthy, the focus needs to be on how do I get myself there. Having the accolades from others would be great, a thousand people lined up patting me on the back telling me how wonderful I am couldn't hurt but there is nothing I can physically do or get that is gonna bring me the acceptance that I am totally worthy, warts and all. I can't achieve a feeling of a thing internally through outside of myself. Concepts, acceptance like this it is all about the inner workings, it is all about emotion too, not thought. I don't think I can logicize (is that a word? It is now) my way into embracing worthiness, I gotta FEEL it.
So what is the resistance about? In what way do I feel uncomfortable with the idea of total worth? What is it about myself I feel is unworthy while other bits are? Can I get on board with how I love other people but not on board with accepting how other people love me? Can I get the worth of my compassion but not my anger? Can I accept the portion of me that has empathy for others but not the bit that cares too much what they think about who I am? And maybe it is just that, a little more work on accepting both the good and the bad of who I am, the shadow work of seeing my perceived flaws, being willing to acknowledge they exist, and use them for my own greater good.
In sitting here typing this I realize I know those parts of me are of use, they either have protected me or are seeking to do so. In seeing that fact I can't ignore their value, their inherent worth. So maybe in the end I find my way into this dropping resistance to my worthiness by simply acknowledging that it does not require me to be perfect or not have flaws, it requires me to acknowledge the value of those imperfections.
So I have been thinking... What is it that makes us worthy? If we don't know/feel we are or have a resistance to completely embracing that idea, what would it take to make that happen?
I know by now that while the world around me, the people around me can affect how I feel, the real foundation of an idea like this is in me. And while the past surely influences how I already feel about that, which in some way or on some level is that I am not completely worthy, the focus needs to be on how do I get myself there. Having the accolades from others would be great, a thousand people lined up patting me on the back telling me how wonderful I am couldn't hurt but there is nothing I can physically do or get that is gonna bring me the acceptance that I am totally worthy, warts and all. I can't achieve a feeling of a thing internally through outside of myself. Concepts, acceptance like this it is all about the inner workings, it is all about emotion too, not thought. I don't think I can logicize (is that a word? It is now) my way into embracing worthiness, I gotta FEEL it.
So what is the resistance about? In what way do I feel uncomfortable with the idea of total worth? What is it about myself I feel is unworthy while other bits are? Can I get on board with how I love other people but not on board with accepting how other people love me? Can I get the worth of my compassion but not my anger? Can I accept the portion of me that has empathy for others but not the bit that cares too much what they think about who I am? And maybe it is just that, a little more work on accepting both the good and the bad of who I am, the shadow work of seeing my perceived flaws, being willing to acknowledge they exist, and use them for my own greater good.
In sitting here typing this I realize I know those parts of me are of use, they either have protected me or are seeking to do so. In seeing that fact I can't ignore their value, their inherent worth. So maybe in the end I find my way into this dropping resistance to my worthiness by simply acknowledging that it does not require me to be perfect or not have flaws, it requires me to acknowledge the value of those imperfections.
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