I come here everyday for three reasons... The first, and most important, is a commitment to my faith and the journey. My "job" is to show up here everyday as evidence that I am committed to what I believe in and a connection to a higher wisdom. The second, is that I connect to someone else in some way and bring what I can to them, even if it is just a new idea. The third, is a dedicated effort to show up for myself. This last one has more to do with refusing to sink back into the background as I have chosen to do for so long and speaking my truth instead. All three of these have to do with putting into action what I have come to understand over the years, and not sitting on it waiting for a better time, better circumstances, or better "weather" to create a life based on it.
I have tended to stay in abstracts here, maybe talking about my feelings or general situations but rarely anything specific. I have known for a couple of weeks now that the time was going to come when the step of opening the door to more of my truth was going to be necessary. It is necessary as a demonstration of my faith in the journey, in my committing to connecting to someone who may have/be going through something similar and to show up with my truth and drop the fear of judgement. So here goes...
I have struggled in my past. When I was five my grandfather molested me and then that following summer I stayed at a family friends home and was nearly beaten to death. I was kept locked in a bedroom at the back of the house because his wife couldn't bear to look at what her husband had done to me because I intervened when he had begun beating her. From that point forward I struggled with moments where I felt my only escape was to kill myself. So here I was at age five talking about suicide and it was either ignored, mocked, or punished in some way. My parents were struggling with their own pain and the added burden of a troubled child was more than they could handle rationally. For a long time I thought feeling these sudden and intense pressures to escape life meant I was broken. Mind you, the issue was not a lingering depression or feeling that life had no meaning or even that I wanted to die. It would suddenly hit me, triggered by a few things and I felt like I had to die to escape. In my thirties after having had an abusive relationship (where I was tortured for six hours while he tried to kill me to punished me for trying to kill myself) I went in to therapy. I realized there that I had had Ptsd from the age of five and the abusive relationship intensified its symptoms.
I don't want sympathy here, what happened to me brought me to this place. Those people, those events, allowed me to be in the mental state of imbalance that forced me to find a different way to do this life of mine. I am not done, and my life is not perfect. But the mental and emotional place I was in five years ago, two years ago, even one year ago is not the same. I have reached a level of self appreciation I never had before, I appreciate my past for having gotten me here, I appreciate my journey even if I backslide, I appreciate that I am an evolving being. I have at least begun to stand in a place of self empowerment where I am not looking for the world's approval. I have at least begun my purpose in this life which is suggesting there is a way out of the suffering we have all faced. i have at least chosen to drop the burdens and use them as ladder rungs to something higher.
Here is the point, beyond the feeling someone out there might need to know these specific things can be overcome... I am proof that the emotional pain of molestation, rape, beatings, and people trying to kill you does not always have to be your reality. The way out of feeling so trapped by your pain where the only escape seems death, it exists. I promise you can find a way through it. The hardest parts were the moments that are already gone which you had no control over at the time. You can escape because you have control now. The fact you have survived with your woundings for this long is all the proof you need to know you can find your way. You have carried the burden for so long, you have faced those memories and that pain each step of your journey since it happened. You CAN put it down now. You have all the strength, all the power to finally, finally find your freedom.
If your events were not so extreme, or if they were worse, the way out is still there. All anyone needs is the willingness to find a different way to live. All you need is that strength you have demonstrated you already have and a commitment to your own freedom. And on your journey you will find revelations, epiphanies and setbacks, but just show up. Get up everyday understanding that you do not have to be perfect, you just have to show up! Just be willing to do the one thing, that one next step in front of you which will take you in the direction you want to go in; the rest of the journey will take care of its self over time.
I encourage you today, if you have not started already, just show up and take that one step in the direction of your freedom!
I have tended to stay in abstracts here, maybe talking about my feelings or general situations but rarely anything specific. I have known for a couple of weeks now that the time was going to come when the step of opening the door to more of my truth was going to be necessary. It is necessary as a demonstration of my faith in the journey, in my committing to connecting to someone who may have/be going through something similar and to show up with my truth and drop the fear of judgement. So here goes...
I have struggled in my past. When I was five my grandfather molested me and then that following summer I stayed at a family friends home and was nearly beaten to death. I was kept locked in a bedroom at the back of the house because his wife couldn't bear to look at what her husband had done to me because I intervened when he had begun beating her. From that point forward I struggled with moments where I felt my only escape was to kill myself. So here I was at age five talking about suicide and it was either ignored, mocked, or punished in some way. My parents were struggling with their own pain and the added burden of a troubled child was more than they could handle rationally. For a long time I thought feeling these sudden and intense pressures to escape life meant I was broken. Mind you, the issue was not a lingering depression or feeling that life had no meaning or even that I wanted to die. It would suddenly hit me, triggered by a few things and I felt like I had to die to escape. In my thirties after having had an abusive relationship (where I was tortured for six hours while he tried to kill me to punished me for trying to kill myself) I went in to therapy. I realized there that I had had Ptsd from the age of five and the abusive relationship intensified its symptoms.
I don't want sympathy here, what happened to me brought me to this place. Those people, those events, allowed me to be in the mental state of imbalance that forced me to find a different way to do this life of mine. I am not done, and my life is not perfect. But the mental and emotional place I was in five years ago, two years ago, even one year ago is not the same. I have reached a level of self appreciation I never had before, I appreciate my past for having gotten me here, I appreciate my journey even if I backslide, I appreciate that I am an evolving being. I have at least begun to stand in a place of self empowerment where I am not looking for the world's approval. I have at least begun my purpose in this life which is suggesting there is a way out of the suffering we have all faced. i have at least chosen to drop the burdens and use them as ladder rungs to something higher.
Here is the point, beyond the feeling someone out there might need to know these specific things can be overcome... I am proof that the emotional pain of molestation, rape, beatings, and people trying to kill you does not always have to be your reality. The way out of feeling so trapped by your pain where the only escape seems death, it exists. I promise you can find a way through it. The hardest parts were the moments that are already gone which you had no control over at the time. You can escape because you have control now. The fact you have survived with your woundings for this long is all the proof you need to know you can find your way. You have carried the burden for so long, you have faced those memories and that pain each step of your journey since it happened. You CAN put it down now. You have all the strength, all the power to finally, finally find your freedom.
If your events were not so extreme, or if they were worse, the way out is still there. All anyone needs is the willingness to find a different way to live. All you need is that strength you have demonstrated you already have and a commitment to your own freedom. And on your journey you will find revelations, epiphanies and setbacks, but just show up. Get up everyday understanding that you do not have to be perfect, you just have to show up! Just be willing to do the one thing, that one next step in front of you which will take you in the direction you want to go in; the rest of the journey will take care of its self over time.
I encourage you today, if you have not started already, just show up and take that one step in the direction of your freedom!
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