Rejection... We have all tasted it, it hurts us to feel, and having felt it, we have come to fear it. I have hidden who I am for a good portion of my life. I have shielded the world from seeing the totality of who I am. I have chosen over and over again to let only trickles of who I am out to any given person at any given time. if you come into my life, you might not know I started writing my first novel at 19 and finished it by 22. You might not know I am a painter, a sculpture, that I write poetry. You might not know that I finished my second novel four years or so ago and that it was written because my lovely mother was bored one summer and asked me to write her something she could read. I wrote her a romance novel, being as that is the type of books she likes best. I did loads of research as it is a historical period piece and I have it up on Amazon digitally. You might not know I make jewlery, assemblage art, altered books, I love gardening, hiking, singing, I tell corny jokes and love a good pun. I might not talk about liking video games (bit of a Zelda nerd) Star Wars, superhero movies and I actually like a good, honest, hard days work that gets me a little dirty. I might not ever show you till later that I pray for strangers in the grocery store, always, always empty my pockets for a homeless person, and for some reason think it is hilarious when someone is laughing so hard they snort. I often have hidden my intellect out of either fearing inferiority or out of not wanting to seem arrogant. I might not talk about the fact I LOVE learning about quantum physics, dark matter and string theory. I might not talk about my love for philosophy, social/political theory or that if I am not exploring something new regularly I feel a little mentally trapped. I also might not talk about my spirituality and that I am ALWAYS looking for answers. I don't know if anyone knows yet that I have been studying this stuff since I was at least 8-12 years old.
You see I have been rejected. I have been judged on some level for all of these things at one point or another and I learned to hide the light of all my truths until I thought someone could "handle" it. I have been metering out who I am, constantly checking for signs of judgement that this or that part of who I am would be "too much" (I'd get rejected and left alone).
A few days ago I started working on getting as far away from this fear driving me to do or not do things as I could. I have some goals in my mind now... I want to share the things that have happened to me, the pain I have known that it might help someone else and serve a purpose greater than any pain it caused. I want to stand in my truth, every day all day. I want "my person", that version of perfect for me, to be in my life permanently when he finally arrives. When Mr. Perfect for me comes into my life, I want for me to show up for him totally present, completely able to offer the best version of who I am because I don't want to be hurtful and I don't want to end up walking away because I didn't do the work on myself I needed to do. I want to live honest about who I am not just to myself but in the world as well. I want to fly! I want to live like my 8 year old self who danced along the sidewalks of my hometown on the walk home from school and didn't care about all the people driving by. The 12 year old me who got two of her girlfriends to stand on the corner of main street on a Friday night and had us all singing "Stop in the name of love" and doing a little dance to it, cars honking and just being silly! I want to be the girl who made friends with the new girl in high school because I could tell she felt a bit overwhelmed. I want to be the 17 year old me dressed up, sexy as shit and dancing her ass off on the dance floor. I want to be the young woman who brought into a group of friends a young man who had schizophrenia, was suffering, and needed people so he could find his feet. I want to be the version of myself that moved across country, never having seen the east coast, to go to college all by herself and was freaked the f out but did it anyway. Those bits of me I stopped engaging because of fear of being rejected for my truth. I am done with it!
As I probably stated before, I am actively working on myself through anything I find online, in books etc. that I think might help me. I came across a video session with a hypnotist for working on this fear of rejection issue. It was powerful stuff this! I will leave the link for the hypnosis session for you to use and you will understand this a bit better after having watched it.
During the session I had some profound awareness come over me and over the next three days I continued to work with the version of myself that was needing the healing and growth. I brought this version of myself the day after the session into my spiritual life and gave her over to what I recognize as my higher power. I left her there for a day, to just be in a space that was safe and healing. Today I checked in on this part of who I am, to see if this aspect of myself had found a little peace, a little grounding and was feeling taken care of/safe. In checking in and offering to keep her in this place as long as she wanted to be there, giving her a hug and telling her "I love you. " I was able to integrate her into myself and she evolved into an adult (she was around 3) and a powerful one at that.
So now let me just clarify here... You don't have to believe in the "inner child", you don't have to believe in God/A Higher Power/ Source, you can think that is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo... Good, fine, I get that but you might be able to get on board with your unconscious mind, with visualization (Olympic athletes do it) and the power of the mind. If you can get on board with this, take a few moments to check out the link and at least give yourself the opportunity to change. All you need is a little willingness to get you from where you are now and are not happy with, to where you want to be. Suspend disbelief, put it on the shelf just for a moment, you can always come back to it later and say "See, that was just dumb." Who knows though, maybe it will get you closer to being able to fly!
There is a Rumi quote to keep in mind: "You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don't. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly!"
https://events.blinkwebinars.com/w/5814959817883648/replay#5636861063331840
You see I have been rejected. I have been judged on some level for all of these things at one point or another and I learned to hide the light of all my truths until I thought someone could "handle" it. I have been metering out who I am, constantly checking for signs of judgement that this or that part of who I am would be "too much" (I'd get rejected and left alone).
A few days ago I started working on getting as far away from this fear driving me to do or not do things as I could. I have some goals in my mind now... I want to share the things that have happened to me, the pain I have known that it might help someone else and serve a purpose greater than any pain it caused. I want to stand in my truth, every day all day. I want "my person", that version of perfect for me, to be in my life permanently when he finally arrives. When Mr. Perfect for me comes into my life, I want for me to show up for him totally present, completely able to offer the best version of who I am because I don't want to be hurtful and I don't want to end up walking away because I didn't do the work on myself I needed to do. I want to live honest about who I am not just to myself but in the world as well. I want to fly! I want to live like my 8 year old self who danced along the sidewalks of my hometown on the walk home from school and didn't care about all the people driving by. The 12 year old me who got two of her girlfriends to stand on the corner of main street on a Friday night and had us all singing "Stop in the name of love" and doing a little dance to it, cars honking and just being silly! I want to be the girl who made friends with the new girl in high school because I could tell she felt a bit overwhelmed. I want to be the 17 year old me dressed up, sexy as shit and dancing her ass off on the dance floor. I want to be the young woman who brought into a group of friends a young man who had schizophrenia, was suffering, and needed people so he could find his feet. I want to be the version of myself that moved across country, never having seen the east coast, to go to college all by herself and was freaked the f out but did it anyway. Those bits of me I stopped engaging because of fear of being rejected for my truth. I am done with it!
As I probably stated before, I am actively working on myself through anything I find online, in books etc. that I think might help me. I came across a video session with a hypnotist for working on this fear of rejection issue. It was powerful stuff this! I will leave the link for the hypnosis session for you to use and you will understand this a bit better after having watched it.
During the session I had some profound awareness come over me and over the next three days I continued to work with the version of myself that was needing the healing and growth. I brought this version of myself the day after the session into my spiritual life and gave her over to what I recognize as my higher power. I left her there for a day, to just be in a space that was safe and healing. Today I checked in on this part of who I am, to see if this aspect of myself had found a little peace, a little grounding and was feeling taken care of/safe. In checking in and offering to keep her in this place as long as she wanted to be there, giving her a hug and telling her "I love you. " I was able to integrate her into myself and she evolved into an adult (she was around 3) and a powerful one at that.
So now let me just clarify here... You don't have to believe in the "inner child", you don't have to believe in God/A Higher Power/ Source, you can think that is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo... Good, fine, I get that but you might be able to get on board with your unconscious mind, with visualization (Olympic athletes do it) and the power of the mind. If you can get on board with this, take a few moments to check out the link and at least give yourself the opportunity to change. All you need is a little willingness to get you from where you are now and are not happy with, to where you want to be. Suspend disbelief, put it on the shelf just for a moment, you can always come back to it later and say "See, that was just dumb." Who knows though, maybe it will get you closer to being able to fly!
There is a Rumi quote to keep in mind: "You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don't. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly!"
https://events.blinkwebinars.com/w/5814959817883648/replay#5636861063331840
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