So yesterday I was contemplating the running and chasing we do in an attempt to fill or avoid the part of ourselves which wants to connect with other people and feels too broken to do so. And after we ask the questions of why we are unfulfilled and what we are running from what do we do then? It is all well and good to ask yourself "What the hell am I really doing here? " but what do we do with the answer... That is if we get one.
Well, the honest thing to tell you is you might not get an answer, at least not right away. But, having asked the question will kick your subconscious into gear and at some point the answer is going to be looking you dead in the eye. Once that uncomfortable self depreciating belief or trauma from your past is staring you down you have two choices... One, you can shove that shit down and go on trying to pretend everything is okay again (you already know what that gets you - unhappiness), or you can let that shit go. I am not going to sit here and tell you I have gotten to the mountain top and I am all good, fully okay and totally fine. I am not any of those things. But what I realized in doing this myself was that in the act of becoming aware I was carrying garbage around from my past it gave me power over it. It gave me power over it because if I saw myself doing something or thinking in a way that was associated with it I could suddenly stop myself and choose a different way. It also gave me power in that I was no longer ashamed of that self deprecation in the same way, I could say "Hey, I have this thing that is less than ideal about me and I am doing my best to change it." . In being able to say that I no longer had to pile denial or drugs or drinking or clothes or food or running away from people on top of it to keep me and everyone else from seeing it. Having the power over it, rather than it driving me to do or say things without even realizing I was doing it because of my past, made all the difference. From the moment I became aware of why I was choosing the behaviors, why my thinking was the way it was, why I was perceiving situations the way I was I suddenly had the choice to do something else. The difference between the past we have had where we are unhappy, unfulfilled or miserable is that before we thought that was just the way it was or was always going to be... Awareness allows us the ability to choose something else and therefore opens up the possibility for better, more fulfilling, happier and loving lives.
Choice especially when you have felt or only seen that there really wasn't one, choice makes you the master of your own life again. Because, when we are kids at some point we saw that we could do anything. We believed as kids we could be ballerina, firefighter, astronauts or a version of Batman, Superman, and Bruce Lee. We saw possibility, we saw choices everywhere. Then life happened, someone we trusted harmed us, people ignored what we needed or failed to provide protection for us and the choices narrowed. Each subsequent betrayal or injury at the hands of people we loved or trusted further narrowed for us what was possible until finally here we are, older and running after things that never really make us feel better. I am not saying we need to forget about what happened to us, you can't do that I don't think. But facing the darker aspects of our lives and acknowledging we have been wounded starts to open up those possibilities again for us. And once things are possible we can stop running, stop chasing and make steps towards the things we actually want like genuine connections. Awareness allows us to choose instead of being driven, simple as that.
Of course what you do with it now that you know you have that garbage... Well, that is a whole other thing.
Well, the honest thing to tell you is you might not get an answer, at least not right away. But, having asked the question will kick your subconscious into gear and at some point the answer is going to be looking you dead in the eye. Once that uncomfortable self depreciating belief or trauma from your past is staring you down you have two choices... One, you can shove that shit down and go on trying to pretend everything is okay again (you already know what that gets you - unhappiness), or you can let that shit go. I am not going to sit here and tell you I have gotten to the mountain top and I am all good, fully okay and totally fine. I am not any of those things. But what I realized in doing this myself was that in the act of becoming aware I was carrying garbage around from my past it gave me power over it. It gave me power over it because if I saw myself doing something or thinking in a way that was associated with it I could suddenly stop myself and choose a different way. It also gave me power in that I was no longer ashamed of that self deprecation in the same way, I could say "Hey, I have this thing that is less than ideal about me and I am doing my best to change it." . In being able to say that I no longer had to pile denial or drugs or drinking or clothes or food or running away from people on top of it to keep me and everyone else from seeing it. Having the power over it, rather than it driving me to do or say things without even realizing I was doing it because of my past, made all the difference. From the moment I became aware of why I was choosing the behaviors, why my thinking was the way it was, why I was perceiving situations the way I was I suddenly had the choice to do something else. The difference between the past we have had where we are unhappy, unfulfilled or miserable is that before we thought that was just the way it was or was always going to be... Awareness allows us the ability to choose something else and therefore opens up the possibility for better, more fulfilling, happier and loving lives.
Choice especially when you have felt or only seen that there really wasn't one, choice makes you the master of your own life again. Because, when we are kids at some point we saw that we could do anything. We believed as kids we could be ballerina, firefighter, astronauts or a version of Batman, Superman, and Bruce Lee. We saw possibility, we saw choices everywhere. Then life happened, someone we trusted harmed us, people ignored what we needed or failed to provide protection for us and the choices narrowed. Each subsequent betrayal or injury at the hands of people we loved or trusted further narrowed for us what was possible until finally here we are, older and running after things that never really make us feel better. I am not saying we need to forget about what happened to us, you can't do that I don't think. But facing the darker aspects of our lives and acknowledging we have been wounded starts to open up those possibilities again for us. And once things are possible we can stop running, stop chasing and make steps towards the things we actually want like genuine connections. Awareness allows us to choose instead of being driven, simple as that.
Of course what you do with it now that you know you have that garbage... Well, that is a whole other thing.
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