I have been thinking today about a vision quest I did in 2011. At the time I was coming out of a very difficult period in my life where I was not sure I could be totally okay ever again or how to do it if I could. I followed the guidelines in a book as well as had the oversight of an aunt who is a Native American Shaman. I spent two and a half days alone, playing the drum I had decorated and praying. I allowed myself two apples a day and as much water as I needed. I slept under a tarp I had pitched to keep the elements off and had no fire and one flashlight I used only as absolutely necessary.
The few days I spent there were my hoping to find direction, find solace, find what was true. I honestly had no "visions on the mountain top" and I was not gifted with a sweeping presence of either my ancestors or a spirit guide. What did happen was three men in their twenties who were working for the game and fish department collecting data on the small river my camp was by came wading through. They never approached me, as my family and my aunt were farther up stream and asked they to ignore me. I realized as I watched them wade past my little camp site, peeking out from under my make shift tent, that all human beings are in search of one thing... Connection. That connection can be friendship with those around us, our family, nature, a lover, or God/The Divine/The Universe. We all have this lingering feeling, the sense of distance from the things we want deep down inside in places we might never speak of to anyone else, that distance breaks our hearts. We all have this place where we feel unlike other people, that there is some portion of who we are that is broken or damaged, or something is inherently wrong with us. And these things, or that nameless thing, that keeps us in that bell jar the glass separating us from ever really eliminating the distance fullyfully, those things they confuse us and leave heartbreak in their wake. I realized we all want to drop those invisible walls, we all want to finally meet someone who sees us and doesn't turn away, or to finally fix what makes us separated from everyone else.
For me the realization was profound because while I was in college, during another very difficult time, I came to realize how totally separated we all are from one another. I realized how we can see the same sky, the same event or person and view it in a totally different way based on the lives we have led, the up bringing we had, our religion etc. etc. And in this time, when I really needed to have someone (anyone) on my side who had my back, that realization sent me further down into a spiral. I felt it too, the distance between me and everyone else it was terribly painful. I was utterly alone and it was simply the nature of life for it to be that way, there was nothing to be done about it. And having had this revelation, having had it drive me for a period of time in my life, the epiphany I had by the river on Mt. Rainier was a game changer for me. In that moment there was that one thing which glued us all together... We all felt that distance, the disconnect on some level and we all wanted it to not be like that any longer.
I thought about that for a long time, how we all feel flawed, we all feel broken in some way. And that feeling of brokenness makes us do illogical, crazy, selfish and weird things sometimes. We chase after all those things we are told are supposed to make us "good" people, or "successfull" people. Often times we find those achievements, while great still leave us wanting something else. We chase our beauty, or nice things and when we get whatever it is we have been chasing we are left wanting something else. And this chasing things but still feeling not quite happy, not quite fulfilled, not quite satisfied leaves us chasing something new. We still feel, no matter what we achieve, what we own, where we go, or how we look on the outside that there is that inherently broken aspect of us noone knows about and we don't even want to look at. It's there, following us around like a shadow. Until one day we get tired of chasing things, we get tired of running from a shadow we can't seem to shake and we just stop.
At some point we have to come to a place where we don't want to run anymore because it is painfully obvious nothing we have done up until this point has actually made us really feel better for any lasting amount of time. And in the space of just not chasing and running any longer a questioning can arise.
"What am I running from?"
" Why do I always feel like there is something else even when I get what I want? "
" Why do I feel so broken? "
The only real escape from the place inside of us that feels the distance, the disconnect, the too deeply wounded to really be loved and be okay again, is to turn around and face the shadows we have been running from. You can't out run yourself, where ever you go there you are. There is never going to be a thing, a job, an amount of money, fame or a person who is going to make it possible for the thing you feel inside to not matter. And they can't do that because they are out there and you are running, trying to heal something that is inside of you. Nothing outside can heal what is inside. That's like putting on a bandaid when you have a collapsed lung. The only person who can heal it is you. The only thing that can heal it is your willingness to face whatever it is once and for all because you can't out run it, you can't nullify it with stuff and because the wounding of it has kept you essentially unhappy your whole life. You, you have got to finally decide you have had enough of your own escapism, had enough of being miserable, or even content to be discontent.
To bring it back around to the beginning... what we all really want and need is connecting to other people, to something outside ourselves and we all feel some how unable really to truly do it. But we can do it. We can get that genuine and steady contact with someone else. We can be who we are without talking about how much we make, where we live, who we know, where we have gone by just showing up, by being honest, being genuine. But here's the thing, you can't do that, not really, not without shrinking back or moving in and then pulling away until you have stopped the running. If you haven't stopped running then you haven't faced what makes you feel broken. If you haven't faced the fact you feel unloved, unlikable, misunderstood, or too damaged to be seen and have it be something to not run from, you will run away the first time someone shows up and says... "Hey, I see you, I know you aren't perfect, that you have been wounded or are flawed and I love you, or I still want you in my life because I am too." That running away is just one more of the crazy things we do when we have chosen to just keep ignoring our own demons chasing us.
The few days I spent there were my hoping to find direction, find solace, find what was true. I honestly had no "visions on the mountain top" and I was not gifted with a sweeping presence of either my ancestors or a spirit guide. What did happen was three men in their twenties who were working for the game and fish department collecting data on the small river my camp was by came wading through. They never approached me, as my family and my aunt were farther up stream and asked they to ignore me. I realized as I watched them wade past my little camp site, peeking out from under my make shift tent, that all human beings are in search of one thing... Connection. That connection can be friendship with those around us, our family, nature, a lover, or God/The Divine/The Universe. We all have this lingering feeling, the sense of distance from the things we want deep down inside in places we might never speak of to anyone else, that distance breaks our hearts. We all have this place where we feel unlike other people, that there is some portion of who we are that is broken or damaged, or something is inherently wrong with us. And these things, or that nameless thing, that keeps us in that bell jar the glass separating us from ever really eliminating the distance fullyfully, those things they confuse us and leave heartbreak in their wake. I realized we all want to drop those invisible walls, we all want to finally meet someone who sees us and doesn't turn away, or to finally fix what makes us separated from everyone else.
For me the realization was profound because while I was in college, during another very difficult time, I came to realize how totally separated we all are from one another. I realized how we can see the same sky, the same event or person and view it in a totally different way based on the lives we have led, the up bringing we had, our religion etc. etc. And in this time, when I really needed to have someone (anyone) on my side who had my back, that realization sent me further down into a spiral. I felt it too, the distance between me and everyone else it was terribly painful. I was utterly alone and it was simply the nature of life for it to be that way, there was nothing to be done about it. And having had this revelation, having had it drive me for a period of time in my life, the epiphany I had by the river on Mt. Rainier was a game changer for me. In that moment there was that one thing which glued us all together... We all felt that distance, the disconnect on some level and we all wanted it to not be like that any longer.
I thought about that for a long time, how we all feel flawed, we all feel broken in some way. And that feeling of brokenness makes us do illogical, crazy, selfish and weird things sometimes. We chase after all those things we are told are supposed to make us "good" people, or "successfull" people. Often times we find those achievements, while great still leave us wanting something else. We chase our beauty, or nice things and when we get whatever it is we have been chasing we are left wanting something else. And this chasing things but still feeling not quite happy, not quite fulfilled, not quite satisfied leaves us chasing something new. We still feel, no matter what we achieve, what we own, where we go, or how we look on the outside that there is that inherently broken aspect of us noone knows about and we don't even want to look at. It's there, following us around like a shadow. Until one day we get tired of chasing things, we get tired of running from a shadow we can't seem to shake and we just stop.
At some point we have to come to a place where we don't want to run anymore because it is painfully obvious nothing we have done up until this point has actually made us really feel better for any lasting amount of time. And in the space of just not chasing and running any longer a questioning can arise.
"What am I running from?"
" Why do I always feel like there is something else even when I get what I want? "
" Why do I feel so broken? "
The only real escape from the place inside of us that feels the distance, the disconnect, the too deeply wounded to really be loved and be okay again, is to turn around and face the shadows we have been running from. You can't out run yourself, where ever you go there you are. There is never going to be a thing, a job, an amount of money, fame or a person who is going to make it possible for the thing you feel inside to not matter. And they can't do that because they are out there and you are running, trying to heal something that is inside of you. Nothing outside can heal what is inside. That's like putting on a bandaid when you have a collapsed lung. The only person who can heal it is you. The only thing that can heal it is your willingness to face whatever it is once and for all because you can't out run it, you can't nullify it with stuff and because the wounding of it has kept you essentially unhappy your whole life. You, you have got to finally decide you have had enough of your own escapism, had enough of being miserable, or even content to be discontent.
To bring it back around to the beginning... what we all really want and need is connecting to other people, to something outside ourselves and we all feel some how unable really to truly do it. But we can do it. We can get that genuine and steady contact with someone else. We can be who we are without talking about how much we make, where we live, who we know, where we have gone by just showing up, by being honest, being genuine. But here's the thing, you can't do that, not really, not without shrinking back or moving in and then pulling away until you have stopped the running. If you haven't stopped running then you haven't faced what makes you feel broken. If you haven't faced the fact you feel unloved, unlikable, misunderstood, or too damaged to be seen and have it be something to not run from, you will run away the first time someone shows up and says... "Hey, I see you, I know you aren't perfect, that you have been wounded or are flawed and I love you, or I still want you in my life because I am too." That running away is just one more of the crazy things we do when we have chosen to just keep ignoring our own demons chasing us.
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