Forgotten Things

What terrifies us the most when we have been utterly wounded? When we are hurt we can become an injured wild animal, no one allowed very close because the pain is already so intense. After a betrayal in whatever form we are changed, we are keenly aware of the inherent unsafe nature of the world around us. But we find a way to soldier on, we find a way to do what needs to be done and set it aside. We set it aside probably at first because it is what needs to happen to do the daily tasks but at some point it becomes about not wanting to look at it because it reminds us and we feel that hurt again. Even if it is tucked away in some secret place of our minds though, it actively affects us. It makes us hold back, not trust, walk away from what we really want, choose to be alone, and hold ourselves back from saying what we really need to say. While it is still there like some kind of parasite that draws away what we need to really live, its tendrils fan out and start affecting every aspect of our lives. We watch too much tv because we are trying not to think about it. We impose isolation because not to do so means we have to face that moment. We hide who we are  because at least if someone walks away they didn't really walk away from who we  are in its totality and it makes it hurt less. But at some point the hiding, the avoiding, the things we do to not remember or deal with whatever happened, it doesn't work as well as it used to. There is a noise in the background that gets louder trying to tell us how unhappy we are with all of  the things we do that keep us from the life we want because that thing is still there. The noise in the background gets louder year by year, month by month, day by day until we are faced with a cross roads. There will come a moment when life/chance/coincidence/The Universe/God puts directly onto our path the one thing we always wanted but never had and we have to choose. Do we take the road we have not traveled yet, look at what is in the corner and finally face it and thereby give ourselves at least the opportunity to have our hearts desire? Or do we continue on, unhappy already, already aware it is getting harder and harder to ignore our pain? We know we will either end up dead because of one of our avoidance tactics or we will end up dead without the thing we want most because we never gave ourselves the chance to have it.

We know we need to face the places inside of us that are still hurt. We know it. Will the sound get deafening to the point where there is nothing but that sound before we accept running doesn't work? Will there ever be a point when we care about something else more than avoiding it? Will we ever give ourselves the chance to break free of it and have what we want most? At what point do we decide whoever hurt us already took enough?