I was answering questions the other day on a dating app. and I realized while answering these questions and in the time since a few things. I am not someone who is prone to ignoring when they are wrong. I like to admit when I have made a mistake, maybe it is a way of trying to undo what I have done. I tend to think of myself as this relatively evolved person with as few biases and "bad" behaviors as possible. But I realized I have these things I think and do that are my own ignorance or idiocy. I do things without thinking about what I am really saying when I am being silly or weird. Honestly in those moments what I am trying to do is make someone let go a little bit. But I fail to see the ramifications of my unintended slights and judgements. I realized that I am more unsettled by some things than I ever thought I was and I realized that there are things I don't want anyone to know. I don't like that they are there, why would anyone else? I also realized I would rather not answer a question than to lie. And I am no different than anyone else as to my being willing to justify my beliefs or thoughts.
I find it distrubing. I try and reflect on my behavior and yet I was so unaware of so much. I knew on an intellectual level we all have some inability to really see ourselves clearly but was I really as unaware as I seem to have been about a few things? I am a person who gets in their head a lot. I can run in endless circles if I let myself. The new awareness of this has me questioning what I think I know about who I am. If I were a fly on the wall, what would I really be seeing? Am I kind? Am I gentle? Do I tell the truth? Do I indeed love well, for the most part? And what about all those more minor attributes I try to embody because I believe they are the right thing to do?
I am deeply afraid at a fundamental level I am inherently flawed. I have said this to therapists and they bat their eyes and there is silence. How do you "manage" that? My response has been to strive to be a fundamentally good human being to balance my inner demons. I know I do not believe I am better than anyone else. The truth is I believe I am worse. And in an effort to hide that I do better, I set myself to these standards I don't expect anyone else to follow. I have an expectation of perfection, of flawlessness, of no mistakes. I know this about how I handle myself. I know I am learning to be okay with my weirdness, my quirks, my eccentricities. I get that putting myself in a box where I can never do anything wrong only causes me to feel awful most of the time. But the thing is, seeing some of my own biases and bullshit it makes me sit on the edge of my mind and consider jumping into an existential crisis. The push for perfection in myself mixed with these realizations puts me on shaky ground.
I want to be someone I can be proud of. I don't want to have to lie about who I am to look good on paper, or to that fly on the wall. If I had the choice between all the money I could ever want and a clear conscious I would choose the latter. Life can be over so quickly it is important to me that I lived a basicly good life. If I have failed in doing so I will have to meet what waits for me on the other side with that knowledge. I know I am a work in progress, we all are. None of us is ever done changing, trying to be a different way, or grow into something else. I guess this last few days has made me really see that I need to be more aware of my own words, my own thoughts. It is clear I still have a lot of work to do as far as matching my intent with my actions.
I find it distrubing. I try and reflect on my behavior and yet I was so unaware of so much. I knew on an intellectual level we all have some inability to really see ourselves clearly but was I really as unaware as I seem to have been about a few things? I am a person who gets in their head a lot. I can run in endless circles if I let myself. The new awareness of this has me questioning what I think I know about who I am. If I were a fly on the wall, what would I really be seeing? Am I kind? Am I gentle? Do I tell the truth? Do I indeed love well, for the most part? And what about all those more minor attributes I try to embody because I believe they are the right thing to do?
I am deeply afraid at a fundamental level I am inherently flawed. I have said this to therapists and they bat their eyes and there is silence. How do you "manage" that? My response has been to strive to be a fundamentally good human being to balance my inner demons. I know I do not believe I am better than anyone else. The truth is I believe I am worse. And in an effort to hide that I do better, I set myself to these standards I don't expect anyone else to follow. I have an expectation of perfection, of flawlessness, of no mistakes. I know this about how I handle myself. I know I am learning to be okay with my weirdness, my quirks, my eccentricities. I get that putting myself in a box where I can never do anything wrong only causes me to feel awful most of the time. But the thing is, seeing some of my own biases and bullshit it makes me sit on the edge of my mind and consider jumping into an existential crisis. The push for perfection in myself mixed with these realizations puts me on shaky ground.
I want to be someone I can be proud of. I don't want to have to lie about who I am to look good on paper, or to that fly on the wall. If I had the choice between all the money I could ever want and a clear conscious I would choose the latter. Life can be over so quickly it is important to me that I lived a basicly good life. If I have failed in doing so I will have to meet what waits for me on the other side with that knowledge. I know I am a work in progress, we all are. None of us is ever done changing, trying to be a different way, or grow into something else. I guess this last few days has made me really see that I need to be more aware of my own words, my own thoughts. It is clear I still have a lot of work to do as far as matching my intent with my actions.
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