Love?

It seems to be my focus now, this topic. I have considered the why and how, the who and what. I have even looked at how does it look in action. But really there is a thing I know inside of me doesn't really believe I will ever have what it is I want. There is a place inside me that doesn't believe anyone could or would give it to me even if that person existed. And the acknowledgement of that makes me realize how suspicious I am of it, no... Not suspicious, deeply afraid. I don't like that, someone who has done self examination isn't supposed to feel afraid to be loved. Someone who is self evolved or right in the world is supposed to expect it or feel worthy of such a thing. So I add self deprication and judgment on top of it and soon the notion I should even try gets buried. Why does my mind have to be so complicated? Why does it rattle and hum all the shadowy suffocating things at me? There is a part of me that would rather go backwards, stop now before I find an answer I won't like. There is a part of me that believes it is safer in the dark. Can we be  happy single? Yes, if we are doing so because we aren't running from ourselves. If we are single because we believe we can't have what we want because people can't be trusted and/or because we don't think anyone could ever love us the way we need because we are so flawed... There is a problem. But relationships, they bring out our duality, our best and our worst traits. We become self sacrificing and we become fearful, we see the best in someone and suspect they will hurt us. The good makes it possible to deal with the bad I suppose, the loving someone helps the fear and self doubt it brings up. We should get something beautiful if we have to face our own darkness.

In this moment I don't know if I will ever have someone in my life where we both love each other enough to face our past. I can not predict an uncertainty. At this point the question becomes more than about will they show up. Will I? Can I really? There is this resistance to it, this urge to just run away because I know I CAN do that. This wounded and scared little girl, she knows there are monsters in the world. What I know though through having had the life experiences I have is that I can do it if I choose to. I can find some way to sift through the past and find the lesson. And by lesson I don't mean "oh, that's great I learned something." I mean what did it teach me about what not to do or what I am capable of? The real question is will I allow it? Will I step out of the quiet corners where I already know what to  expect? Will I have enough courage to show up in someone's life over and over again the way I want them to show up in mine?

We really have two options when we are in a relationship or trying to start one with someone... We can see them as an enemy or an ally. We can either come at the situation trying to protect ourselves from something that may never happen, or we can be open. Openness is harder, life batters us, it knocks the wind out of us. Dropping our feeling that we need to protect ourselves, it has been a big challenge for me. All I really can do is try.