I have been thinking a lot about our vulnerabilities as human beings. We have all of these places inside of us that fear the light of day, fear being seen. We hide these wounded, tender, fearful parts. We may even spend a whole lot of time trying to convince ourselves or other people they don't exist. "No, I am fine, I'm okay." When in reality we are anything but fine as far as these aspects of us are concerned. For me for example, one major vulnerability is needing anyone else. I like to tell myself I can do everything on my own, I don't need someone at my back or a soft place to fall on a hard day. And the truth is yes, I can do everything on my own, I have gotten by for a long time without a soft place to fall but I have not been happy. I pretended for so long I didn't want a relationship or need one to have my life be okay. The reality is I can get by okay without one, but I would be happy with one. I am human, I was created with having people in my life as stable fixtures as a necessity. I am no different than anyone else. My being able to recognize and admit I do in fact need others just like anybody else has allowed me to not have to protect that vulnerable part of me because now I am okay with it being there. When we cease to cling to the need to deflect those parts of us from being seen by others or from their needs being met we get relief. We can stop defending it, defending ourselves from the pain we fear by admitting that we are not perfect or we actually need something from someone else. We no longer have to be in a constant state of readiness to go to war for ourselves. That is a serious amount of freedom, of an end to worry, of a certain amount of calm we haven't had in a while.
The other thing is that once we admit to ourselves that we have needs which are not being met we can figure out what those needs are and once we know that we can fulfill those needs. We can fulfill those needs when they concern other people then by being able suddenly to ask for what we need because we know what that is. We have the capacity on our own to create the environment within ourselves which will allow us to get what we want and what we need. The power to have our vulnerabilities turned into hopes and dreams being manifested resides in us. It is not out there. No one is going to be able to give us what we need or want if we don't know it and if we don't ask for it. So, until we take a hot minute to look at what we are defending, especially if it comes from a place of deeply longing to experience something, we are not ever going to get it. Even if someone offers it up to us before we do the introspection we will be so busy defending that vulnerability we can't accept it, we won't be able to see the gift as a gift instead of as a danger.
I no longer want to be an island because I now know what I need is to not be one. Knowing this has given me the willingness to be messy in front of others, to be imperfect, to be quirky, to be afraid but to still show up. I am not ready after the many experiences of my life where I had to battle through some shit to just give up, roll over or go out like a whisper. I want to know I at least tried for something more... Something more passionate, more loving, more genuine, more hopeful, more profoundly satisfying and comforting. I may not get everything I make an attempt at but I will have tried to use my own suffering to heal myself so the life I really long to have is possible. And I use my suffering to heal simply by recognizing when I am holding back, shutting down, shying away or refusing to face something that it is exactly the opposite that I need to be doing. So I use those vulnerable parts that are trying to hide through doing the holding back, shutting down, shying away, and refusing to face as chances to finally figure out what I want and need to have a fulfilling life.
The other thing is that once we admit to ourselves that we have needs which are not being met we can figure out what those needs are and once we know that we can fulfill those needs. We can fulfill those needs when they concern other people then by being able suddenly to ask for what we need because we know what that is. We have the capacity on our own to create the environment within ourselves which will allow us to get what we want and what we need. The power to have our vulnerabilities turned into hopes and dreams being manifested resides in us. It is not out there. No one is going to be able to give us what we need or want if we don't know it and if we don't ask for it. So, until we take a hot minute to look at what we are defending, especially if it comes from a place of deeply longing to experience something, we are not ever going to get it. Even if someone offers it up to us before we do the introspection we will be so busy defending that vulnerability we can't accept it, we won't be able to see the gift as a gift instead of as a danger.
I no longer want to be an island because I now know what I need is to not be one. Knowing this has given me the willingness to be messy in front of others, to be imperfect, to be quirky, to be afraid but to still show up. I am not ready after the many experiences of my life where I had to battle through some shit to just give up, roll over or go out like a whisper. I want to know I at least tried for something more... Something more passionate, more loving, more genuine, more hopeful, more profoundly satisfying and comforting. I may not get everything I make an attempt at but I will have tried to use my own suffering to heal myself so the life I really long to have is possible. And I use my suffering to heal simply by recognizing when I am holding back, shutting down, shying away or refusing to face something that it is exactly the opposite that I need to be doing. So I use those vulnerable parts that are trying to hide through doing the holding back, shutting down, shying away, and refusing to face as chances to finally figure out what I want and need to have a fulfilling life.
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