As human beings in a society which tells us what is beautiful, handsome, sexy, ineresting, acceptable and good even, we can find ourselves trying to fit definitions that simply do not work for us. We get told from childhood onward what it means to be okay, and begin to know what we have to do to avoid rejection and realize how we must behave (or at least appear to be) in order to avoid those judgements. It might seem like there are people in the world who naturally fit into those definitions, people who are some how more perfect than the rest of us. But I don't know if that is in fact true. I think we are all trying to be Cinderella's step sisters in a way, always trying to fit into something that just doesn't fit us. I think all of us, even those among us who seem to fit the molds and appear to have it all, we all simply want to finally be allowed to just be who we are outside of those rules and confines. We might learn to dress a certain way, behave a certain way, avoid certain conversations but under all that dancing about we are wanting more. And by more I mean real, I mean genuine, I mean the opportunity or courage to drop the pretenses so we can just let our freak flag fly at least for a little while. I personally don't believe in the need for everyone to be perfect, unscathed by life, "normal" (which isn't even a real thing). I think the world is far more interesting when we all are our messy, imperfect, wounded, beautiful selves. I think this is necessary in part because it allows everyone else around us to be who they are even with their imperfections but also because the differences between people adds flavor to the world (if we were all the same there would be no choices, no variety to anything).
It is a hard thing though to drop the pretenses of seeming smoothed out, and held together, where everything is just fine and we are neither bruised by life nor our personality bent in ways that differ from others. It is a hell of a lot easier to smile, say you are fine when you really are not, and avoid the conversations that might leak out your you-ness all over the place. It can feel like a risk, a risk we are sure won't be worth it and that we simply can not take. Our pasts have shown us that showing up simply as we are has consequences, we get humiliated, we get rejected and we get judged. None of that is preferable to staying within the confines of those definitions we have learned to live in. That having been said, we can't really be happy if we have relationships where we cannot be who we really are. If we choose to hide away and get involved with someone where we know we have to keep things shored up because all that messiness is going to spring a leak if we aren't vigilant, it just won't work. And if we have to be so careful about what we say, how we behave around someone we are trying to love it just keeps walls up and we can never really have the level of connection we really want. Also, there is this sense that they don't really know us, if they did they would probably change their mind about being with us and tuck tail and run. Feeling like they don't really know us, therefore can not really love us, and would leave if they did just thickens those walls around us and keeps that person farther away. Farther away makes us feel more unlovable and therefore those walls deepen even more.
The other option is simply to avoid it altogether. We can end up choosing not to play that game at all of keeping people out that we are in relationships with. I know I did for a significant amount of time. I decided it was better to be alone, not have the love I wanted in my life because it was too hard trying to keep myself coloring in the lines 24/7. I couldn't do it anymore and I wasn't interested in feeling alone in a room with someone I cared for because I couldn't drop the pretenses. For me it was all about feeling deeply that I wanted to be seen and accepted exactly for who I was (bruises, chips, and imperfections) and to be given that level of openness in return. I knew though that the way I was it was not going to happen, so why bother at all. I was still so caught up in trying not to be as weird or odd or different or wounded as I really was that I just didn't know I could be any other way in relationships. I thought I had to have my sh*t perfectly together, to look a certain way, have some x amount of money, my career had to be this or that and my past had to have been something other than it was. It wasn't true though, none of it had to be any other way than exactly what it was.
The purpose of relationships is not here is Mr. perfect and Mrs. perfect and now their life will be perfect... That is not reality. Reality is messy. Reality is financial hiccups, it is losing a job, a parent dying, a child who is hurt, a car accident, rainy days and a bunch of unnecessary/unforseen bullsh*t happening regularly. Sure we focus on the good things in our lives because doing so is necessary but ignoring that bad things happen in any given day is delusional. Life in its very essence is both the good and the bad, so are we. There are no perfect people with perfect bodies or perfect lives. And the fact that there are no perfect people means in all relationships they begin and end with imperfections. The purpose of relationships in my opinion is for two people who have both the good and the bad in themselves, their lives, and their pasts to see each other's flaws and beauty and love each other through all the unnecessary/unforseen bullsh*t of life that happens between I love yous.
If we go into the relationship understanding that we (both of us) and life is positive and negative we can finally drop the pretenses. In dropping the need to be a certain way and instead just be who we are we give ourselves room to breath, room to experience being seen and appreciated without worrying they will leave or that they couldn't possibly really love us (because after all they don't know x, y, and z). In not trying to fit ourselves into some form of perfection or normal we think we need to be we get to let down those walls and experience the love we really want to know and feel. It is also a lot easier to simply speak what is on your mind and in your heart than running around trying to plug holes when the truth slips through occasionally when you are with someone.
I am no longer interested in prefect, not perfect people, perfect relationships or the image of a perfect life. I am here to say I embrace all the messy, chipped, bruised, wounded bits, of all of it. It is too exhausting to pretend anymore, impossible to achieve a perfect relationship, and life for that matter. I would much rather be an optimistic realist than living in some delusion where I ignore that bad (whatever that is) exists. I would much rather have a rich life filled with eccentricity, weirdness, oddities and complications than pretending anymore. Anyone who wants to join me being a little more genuine and human is welcome.
It is a hard thing though to drop the pretenses of seeming smoothed out, and held together, where everything is just fine and we are neither bruised by life nor our personality bent in ways that differ from others. It is a hell of a lot easier to smile, say you are fine when you really are not, and avoid the conversations that might leak out your you-ness all over the place. It can feel like a risk, a risk we are sure won't be worth it and that we simply can not take. Our pasts have shown us that showing up simply as we are has consequences, we get humiliated, we get rejected and we get judged. None of that is preferable to staying within the confines of those definitions we have learned to live in. That having been said, we can't really be happy if we have relationships where we cannot be who we really are. If we choose to hide away and get involved with someone where we know we have to keep things shored up because all that messiness is going to spring a leak if we aren't vigilant, it just won't work. And if we have to be so careful about what we say, how we behave around someone we are trying to love it just keeps walls up and we can never really have the level of connection we really want. Also, there is this sense that they don't really know us, if they did they would probably change their mind about being with us and tuck tail and run. Feeling like they don't really know us, therefore can not really love us, and would leave if they did just thickens those walls around us and keeps that person farther away. Farther away makes us feel more unlovable and therefore those walls deepen even more.
The other option is simply to avoid it altogether. We can end up choosing not to play that game at all of keeping people out that we are in relationships with. I know I did for a significant amount of time. I decided it was better to be alone, not have the love I wanted in my life because it was too hard trying to keep myself coloring in the lines 24/7. I couldn't do it anymore and I wasn't interested in feeling alone in a room with someone I cared for because I couldn't drop the pretenses. For me it was all about feeling deeply that I wanted to be seen and accepted exactly for who I was (bruises, chips, and imperfections) and to be given that level of openness in return. I knew though that the way I was it was not going to happen, so why bother at all. I was still so caught up in trying not to be as weird or odd or different or wounded as I really was that I just didn't know I could be any other way in relationships. I thought I had to have my sh*t perfectly together, to look a certain way, have some x amount of money, my career had to be this or that and my past had to have been something other than it was. It wasn't true though, none of it had to be any other way than exactly what it was.
The purpose of relationships is not here is Mr. perfect and Mrs. perfect and now their life will be perfect... That is not reality. Reality is messy. Reality is financial hiccups, it is losing a job, a parent dying, a child who is hurt, a car accident, rainy days and a bunch of unnecessary/unforseen bullsh*t happening regularly. Sure we focus on the good things in our lives because doing so is necessary but ignoring that bad things happen in any given day is delusional. Life in its very essence is both the good and the bad, so are we. There are no perfect people with perfect bodies or perfect lives. And the fact that there are no perfect people means in all relationships they begin and end with imperfections. The purpose of relationships in my opinion is for two people who have both the good and the bad in themselves, their lives, and their pasts to see each other's flaws and beauty and love each other through all the unnecessary/unforseen bullsh*t of life that happens between I love yous.
If we go into the relationship understanding that we (both of us) and life is positive and negative we can finally drop the pretenses. In dropping the need to be a certain way and instead just be who we are we give ourselves room to breath, room to experience being seen and appreciated without worrying they will leave or that they couldn't possibly really love us (because after all they don't know x, y, and z). In not trying to fit ourselves into some form of perfection or normal we think we need to be we get to let down those walls and experience the love we really want to know and feel. It is also a lot easier to simply speak what is on your mind and in your heart than running around trying to plug holes when the truth slips through occasionally when you are with someone.
I am no longer interested in prefect, not perfect people, perfect relationships or the image of a perfect life. I am here to say I embrace all the messy, chipped, bruised, wounded bits, of all of it. It is too exhausting to pretend anymore, impossible to achieve a perfect relationship, and life for that matter. I would much rather be an optimistic realist than living in some delusion where I ignore that bad (whatever that is) exists. I would much rather have a rich life filled with eccentricity, weirdness, oddities and complications than pretending anymore. Anyone who wants to join me being a little more genuine and human is welcome.
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