How do we go about deciding if someone should be in our lives? Is there a method, a check list we tick off as they meet each of our requirements? And who decides what those requirements should be? Us, our friends, our family, society? Why are those particular things we say they have to be or have or embody important?
I think we need to have the answers to those questions before we ever really can go down that checklist and decide to open up our life to someone. So for me for example, I could care less if my family, my friends or society deems my partner "fit" to be in my life. For one thing, I am fully aware I probably know this person far better than they possibly could from their distance to the situation. Also, I admit the idea that someone should be able to tell me who I can love kinda pisses me off. So then, what is it that I feel like I have to see from someone if I am going to open up, put in the time and let them walk into my life? I have to see intelligence first and foremost, apparently I am a sapiosexual (person who finds intelligence to be the most sexually attractive characteristic of another person, according to Webster). Second, I have got to see someone not overly pushy, aggressive or hostile (if I see any of this I will shut the door before you can blink). I also have to see a playfulness, a sense of humor which can be marked by an ability to not take yourself too seriously. If you can be frank about your likes or dislikes for example without having to be ashamed of it I like that. And if you can show me a level of real tangible effort to just be thoughtful to me even if I don't ask for it in little ways most people might not even notice... well, I will notice. I also need someone passionate, willing to be open about sex and not afraid to explore it. And lastly, off the top of my head, I need to feel like you are being supportive of me, you care if I am doing well, you encourage me.
That said, these things are characteristics and I have been wondering today about all of that. How many men in the world might embody a geeky/nerdy, kind, playful and supportive potential partner in the world? And if there is more than one man out there that might fit those characteristics how is it I would decide on one particular man to place my time and emotional effort into and allow myself to open up to? What else beyond these few things would I need to keep putting in the time, holding the door open to my life, being willing not to look for affection elsewhere?
Relationships are about communication. Without communication love gets buried underneath resentment and hurt feelings and then it dies. And the crux of real communication with anyone is about being honest, telling your truth which boils down to vulnerability. To sit in front of someone and speak your truth about how you feel or what you think about them, about life, about your own imperfection or suffering can be kryptonite to those of us who try to be impervious to the world. It is beyond scary to really speak from a place of utter truth and let all the chinks in your armor be visible. Speaking to someone in this way, it allows them the opportunity to cut you down easily and you have no defense for it in that moment. I know for me, showing my inability to be invincible has taken an immense amount of courage. But I had the courage, I felt the fear and did it anyway, because I came to a point where I was more willing to risk getting the wind knocked out of me than losing someone I love. We are taught by life or told directly that showing emotion, speaking about how we feel is bad, it is dangerous, it is unacceptable. After we pick up this belief taking the step into that now unknown water it seems to always require a catalyst, mine was love plain and simple. I cared more about the other and the outcome than my own egoic need to protect myself.
So what was this little rant about vulnerability about? Well, beyond the fact that choosing not to be vulnerable in love relationships results in miscommunication, love dying a slow and painful death and potential game playing... It means I realized today this is what I need in order for my own vulnerability to remain open, for me to hold a place in my life for someone else. And I know there are men in the world where this one thing I would ask of them could simply be more than they are willing or could give. I know that may be the one request I would make over and over again that they would not be willing to oblige. But for months now I have been wading through my own past, sometimes neck deep in memories that have immense suffering attached to them so that I might make myself the best possible version of who I am for love. I have faced inner demons over and over again sometimes only able to view them out the corner of my eye at first because my own inner darkness is ugly. And I have peeled back layer upon layer of my proverbial onion just to heal myself that I might not harm someone I love bone deep. I can not in good conscience ask of myself to stand at the edge of someone's life, their own oceans, and have them wave to me from the other side of the shore. I can not ask of myself that I battle tirelessly day upon day with my own fears of not being enough and too much, of my mind so conflicted and confused I can not sleep and tell myself to do all this and still not get what it is I need in return for all this bravery.
I learned in all those inner battles that while I have my demons, my inner darkness, I have some profoundly beautiful bits that anyone who is given them is blessed by. I love those places in me now, I admire them, I am proud of who I am. I learned to care for myself, when I need to I veg. out, I disengage long enough to rest before I go back to the inner wars. I honor my body now more with activity and food. I give myself permission to seek what spiritual need I have in any given moment. I have begun to nurture myself as I have others, as I have my children. If I really honor the way I love another, a man in my life, if I can see how it accepts so freely his all and seeks nothing he is not already, never willing to require him to be something he is not... If I honor my heart, I have to also honor its own needs. And what I need beyond characteristics that I find tantalizing and endearing is this level of honesty, of communication, of vulnerability.
It is not an easy thing to ask this of someone. None of what I have done in the last eight months has been for me really. It has been a struggle I chose to endure because I had immense faith not only in the emotions I had never had before but also in who I believed the person I would welcome into my life was. I know enough about bad and destructive relationships to know if the communication and vulnerability is not there I could love him enough to ignite my own soul and it would never be able to keep the relationship from dying.
So if there is an intelligent man full of passions who is willing to be kind to me and supportive and will make me the one person you engage with from a place of truth (your truth) know I will hold the door open for you. If you can be vulnerable with me I have a place saved for you in my life.
I think we need to have the answers to those questions before we ever really can go down that checklist and decide to open up our life to someone. So for me for example, I could care less if my family, my friends or society deems my partner "fit" to be in my life. For one thing, I am fully aware I probably know this person far better than they possibly could from their distance to the situation. Also, I admit the idea that someone should be able to tell me who I can love kinda pisses me off. So then, what is it that I feel like I have to see from someone if I am going to open up, put in the time and let them walk into my life? I have to see intelligence first and foremost, apparently I am a sapiosexual (person who finds intelligence to be the most sexually attractive characteristic of another person, according to Webster). Second, I have got to see someone not overly pushy, aggressive or hostile (if I see any of this I will shut the door before you can blink). I also have to see a playfulness, a sense of humor which can be marked by an ability to not take yourself too seriously. If you can be frank about your likes or dislikes for example without having to be ashamed of it I like that. And if you can show me a level of real tangible effort to just be thoughtful to me even if I don't ask for it in little ways most people might not even notice... well, I will notice. I also need someone passionate, willing to be open about sex and not afraid to explore it. And lastly, off the top of my head, I need to feel like you are being supportive of me, you care if I am doing well, you encourage me.
That said, these things are characteristics and I have been wondering today about all of that. How many men in the world might embody a geeky/nerdy, kind, playful and supportive potential partner in the world? And if there is more than one man out there that might fit those characteristics how is it I would decide on one particular man to place my time and emotional effort into and allow myself to open up to? What else beyond these few things would I need to keep putting in the time, holding the door open to my life, being willing not to look for affection elsewhere?
Relationships are about communication. Without communication love gets buried underneath resentment and hurt feelings and then it dies. And the crux of real communication with anyone is about being honest, telling your truth which boils down to vulnerability. To sit in front of someone and speak your truth about how you feel or what you think about them, about life, about your own imperfection or suffering can be kryptonite to those of us who try to be impervious to the world. It is beyond scary to really speak from a place of utter truth and let all the chinks in your armor be visible. Speaking to someone in this way, it allows them the opportunity to cut you down easily and you have no defense for it in that moment. I know for me, showing my inability to be invincible has taken an immense amount of courage. But I had the courage, I felt the fear and did it anyway, because I came to a point where I was more willing to risk getting the wind knocked out of me than losing someone I love. We are taught by life or told directly that showing emotion, speaking about how we feel is bad, it is dangerous, it is unacceptable. After we pick up this belief taking the step into that now unknown water it seems to always require a catalyst, mine was love plain and simple. I cared more about the other and the outcome than my own egoic need to protect myself.
So what was this little rant about vulnerability about? Well, beyond the fact that choosing not to be vulnerable in love relationships results in miscommunication, love dying a slow and painful death and potential game playing... It means I realized today this is what I need in order for my own vulnerability to remain open, for me to hold a place in my life for someone else. And I know there are men in the world where this one thing I would ask of them could simply be more than they are willing or could give. I know that may be the one request I would make over and over again that they would not be willing to oblige. But for months now I have been wading through my own past, sometimes neck deep in memories that have immense suffering attached to them so that I might make myself the best possible version of who I am for love. I have faced inner demons over and over again sometimes only able to view them out the corner of my eye at first because my own inner darkness is ugly. And I have peeled back layer upon layer of my proverbial onion just to heal myself that I might not harm someone I love bone deep. I can not in good conscience ask of myself to stand at the edge of someone's life, their own oceans, and have them wave to me from the other side of the shore. I can not ask of myself that I battle tirelessly day upon day with my own fears of not being enough and too much, of my mind so conflicted and confused I can not sleep and tell myself to do all this and still not get what it is I need in return for all this bravery.
I learned in all those inner battles that while I have my demons, my inner darkness, I have some profoundly beautiful bits that anyone who is given them is blessed by. I love those places in me now, I admire them, I am proud of who I am. I learned to care for myself, when I need to I veg. out, I disengage long enough to rest before I go back to the inner wars. I honor my body now more with activity and food. I give myself permission to seek what spiritual need I have in any given moment. I have begun to nurture myself as I have others, as I have my children. If I really honor the way I love another, a man in my life, if I can see how it accepts so freely his all and seeks nothing he is not already, never willing to require him to be something he is not... If I honor my heart, I have to also honor its own needs. And what I need beyond characteristics that I find tantalizing and endearing is this level of honesty, of communication, of vulnerability.
It is not an easy thing to ask this of someone. None of what I have done in the last eight months has been for me really. It has been a struggle I chose to endure because I had immense faith not only in the emotions I had never had before but also in who I believed the person I would welcome into my life was. I know enough about bad and destructive relationships to know if the communication and vulnerability is not there I could love him enough to ignite my own soul and it would never be able to keep the relationship from dying.
So if there is an intelligent man full of passions who is willing to be kind to me and supportive and will make me the one person you engage with from a place of truth (your truth) know I will hold the door open for you. If you can be vulnerable with me I have a place saved for you in my life.
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