There are these days I have, things are said to me, something unforseen happens, or I just wake up feeling off. I end up feeling on these days like I have nothing stable or concrete to hold me steady. It is like I am drifting in the middle of an ocean, no land in sight, surrounded in a fog. It is easy for me on days like this to lose track of my bearings within myself. The places I am grounded in, like hope or certainty about what is true for me, they get lost on these days. I find myself floundering around, trying to remember why I am doing what I am doing, where I am headed because suddenly the very fact that I want a thing, think a thing, or feel a thing is no longer a valid reason. I find myself curled up in my mind, a thousand reasons why things can not work out or why they are a bad idea chipping away at my certainty of anything. And that is the reality of it, on those days I am completely uncertain. I feel in my bones the uncommon reasons for the things I do and think and feel, I know it might not make sense to anyone else and that I could be making mistake after mistake again.
I never really know on those days that I am right about anything. I also don't know how I can be certain again, I just muddle through as best I can to get on the other side of the next moment. I would love to be able to shore myself up so I stopped having days like this. But the truth is, with my mind the way it is it might not be possible. I may never figure out how not to be shaken by things and words and people. All I can do is accept that those days are going to happen, I am going to go from certainty to confusion and back again. Sometimes it is enough to recognize our own limitations so we can be at least a little prepared for when they show up and then just do what we can to get past it. For me those days are gotten through with music, art, a movie, just a little something that lets me disengage from my noisy mind.
Days like this my insecurities come up to the surface, I am not beautiful enough, thin enough, sexy enough, smart enough, too messy, too many pieces chipped off and imperfect. I wonder if anyone is ever going to understand me, will they see my contradictions as a reason to be happy or annoyed? Will I find a man willing to see the hope I hold not as nievity, but as a result of a past that required it. Will I ever be someone 's first thought in the morning and last at night? Can someone allow me to be this complicated storm and see I need some place to be settled? On these days I can not see my own imperfection as anything but something to run away from. I don't know if there is a person in this world who will look at me when I am having a bad day and their only thought is "How can I make her smile again?". I don't know if there is someone who will want to hold me in their arms more than their desire to protect themselves from loving too much. Will there ever be a man who will not see me as some form of an enemy but who will have my back when the rest of the world doesn't even know I exist? I have no clue when or if I will ever have the love I really want, I can feel it for someone but I might never get it for myself. These stormy days, they bring up that knowing and all I can do is listen to music, watch a movie and wait for it to pass. I know even in the middle of the ocean when I am adrift "this too shall pass", I just have to wait it out, be patient and as kind to myself as I can. I refuse to sink.
I never really know on those days that I am right about anything. I also don't know how I can be certain again, I just muddle through as best I can to get on the other side of the next moment. I would love to be able to shore myself up so I stopped having days like this. But the truth is, with my mind the way it is it might not be possible. I may never figure out how not to be shaken by things and words and people. All I can do is accept that those days are going to happen, I am going to go from certainty to confusion and back again. Sometimes it is enough to recognize our own limitations so we can be at least a little prepared for when they show up and then just do what we can to get past it. For me those days are gotten through with music, art, a movie, just a little something that lets me disengage from my noisy mind.
Days like this my insecurities come up to the surface, I am not beautiful enough, thin enough, sexy enough, smart enough, too messy, too many pieces chipped off and imperfect. I wonder if anyone is ever going to understand me, will they see my contradictions as a reason to be happy or annoyed? Will I find a man willing to see the hope I hold not as nievity, but as a result of a past that required it. Will I ever be someone 's first thought in the morning and last at night? Can someone allow me to be this complicated storm and see I need some place to be settled? On these days I can not see my own imperfection as anything but something to run away from. I don't know if there is a person in this world who will look at me when I am having a bad day and their only thought is "How can I make her smile again?". I don't know if there is someone who will want to hold me in their arms more than their desire to protect themselves from loving too much. Will there ever be a man who will not see me as some form of an enemy but who will have my back when the rest of the world doesn't even know I exist? I have no clue when or if I will ever have the love I really want, I can feel it for someone but I might never get it for myself. These stormy days, they bring up that knowing and all I can do is listen to music, watch a movie and wait for it to pass. I know even in the middle of the ocean when I am adrift "this too shall pass", I just have to wait it out, be patient and as kind to myself as I can. I refuse to sink.
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