I am a seeker of truths, I collect them like shiny trinkets for my mind, I suppose you might say and I do so through every avenue possible. I read, I watch videos, listen to pod casts, always watchful for the little gleaning of a bigger truth I might catch hold of somewhere. When I come across something that resonates with me and they suggest a way to get right with the world I tend to at least try it. I try out techniques when I am trying to heal or change something in my life that I stumble upon as well because I am aware what I have been doing simply is NOT working. I came across a recommended video on YouTube a little while back and caught hold of the reflection of a truth in the information presented there. Eventually I checked the website and came to a suggested method for working yourself into a place of a little more self acceptance. He calls it mirror work.
I downloaded that sh*t immediately, and then it sat there unopened for about a week. And then after I opened it it sat there for four more days. When I realized I had done that after being vey enthusiastic about the idea of settling into a better place of living in my own skin I said "What is all this resistance about? ". I knew the answer, I didn't really need to ask the question. Big surprise here... I have issues! Yeah, but in all honesty I struggle like many people do with a sense that I am not pretty enough, or thin enough or good enough. And the resistance was me not wanting to look at that self judgement, because God knows we are all supposed to not admit we have issues with self acceptance, and because I was a little (scratch that, a lot) afraid of what might be under that driving it to be there.
But after thinking about it, and knowing if I was resisting it soooooo much I probably needed to do it, I sat there for an hour more. Really? Don't I need to do the dishes? The dogs need out? There has got to be SOMETHING I can do besides this! However, instead of continuing to indulge in that avoidance I sucked it up, lit a couple candles and stood in front of a full length mirror in my panties... Now before you go rolling your eyes and thinking "Um... Really???" Just hear me out.
For five minutes I stood there staring at myself, fidgeting, avoiding my own eye contact (fully clothed is fine but naked, all imperfections hanging out... No) and looking at any and all perceived flaws. Then five minutes talking to myself in a kind and supportive way like I was a friend of mine.... Here's the thing, it is hard as fu*k to be friendly with someone you can't make eye contact with. Try that out will ya? Just go out into the big wide world and talk to one of your real friends telling them how you want to hang out, you appreciate them and don't look them in the eye. You aren't going to get that person to believe you. This fact forced me to look myself in the eye. Looking myself in the eye I physically felt totally vulnerable to my own judgement.
Needless to say those ten minutes were a little harder than I had anticipated but it was full of a whole lot of information for me because of it. And what I settled on as THE big thing I have to work out that causes the avoiding eye contact and the focusing on the flaws is that I don't believe that the kind of love I offer to others I can trust in receiving back. I am not on board yet that it belongs in my life too. Yeah, that is a thing for me apparently. Better to know about it than to be driven by it without any awareness I am coming into interactions with this strapped to my hip. "Good God woman," I thought to myself, "what the hell do you do with this? And how looonngggg have you been living your life from this place?"
Look, this freeing yourself thing, it is tough, it brings up crap from the basement and the dark corners of your mind. But if any of us want to really be good with life, with ourselves, we gotta do it. We have to be willing to "Suck it up buttercup!" and just do the sh* t that we need to do (like standing in your panties talking to yourself like some weirdo) so that it can happen.
I write a lot about ideas, abstractions really, thoughts and perceptions but the kinds of events that cause this sort of self deprecation are/were real tangible events. The kinds of things I have gone through could make your blood curdle. How perceptually "bad" my life experiences were is not really the point though because ALL of us has had something. And these events do affect us, and apparently they can even make us feel like we can not trust someone to love us in a basically kind, compassionate, accepting way, and that we end up feeling like that kind of love does not belong to us (everyone else sure but not us). So what did I learn in this exercise (and there are more steps by the way, this was day one of ten) I learned there is more to heal. I learned I have more baggage to let go of. I learned where to look now to do the letting go so I can believe it does belong to me too. I know enough by now to understand that if I don't really believe something belongs in my life it could show up a thousand and one times and I won't even recognize it if it does because I can't even see it as possible.
I would suggest to anyone for you to stand in the middle of your bedroom in your underwear and talk to yourself like some weirdo. But if you don't do THIS thing, do something. Do one thing everyday if you can to let that sh*t go, give yourself a little more freedom, a little more room to move.
Here is the link to his website just in case you wanna get a little freaky today...
https://divinelove-academy.com/mirror-work-gift/
I downloaded that sh*t immediately, and then it sat there unopened for about a week. And then after I opened it it sat there for four more days. When I realized I had done that after being vey enthusiastic about the idea of settling into a better place of living in my own skin I said "What is all this resistance about? ". I knew the answer, I didn't really need to ask the question. Big surprise here... I have issues! Yeah, but in all honesty I struggle like many people do with a sense that I am not pretty enough, or thin enough or good enough. And the resistance was me not wanting to look at that self judgement, because God knows we are all supposed to not admit we have issues with self acceptance, and because I was a little (scratch that, a lot) afraid of what might be under that driving it to be there.
But after thinking about it, and knowing if I was resisting it soooooo much I probably needed to do it, I sat there for an hour more. Really? Don't I need to do the dishes? The dogs need out? There has got to be SOMETHING I can do besides this! However, instead of continuing to indulge in that avoidance I sucked it up, lit a couple candles and stood in front of a full length mirror in my panties... Now before you go rolling your eyes and thinking "Um... Really???" Just hear me out.
For five minutes I stood there staring at myself, fidgeting, avoiding my own eye contact (fully clothed is fine but naked, all imperfections hanging out... No) and looking at any and all perceived flaws. Then five minutes talking to myself in a kind and supportive way like I was a friend of mine.... Here's the thing, it is hard as fu*k to be friendly with someone you can't make eye contact with. Try that out will ya? Just go out into the big wide world and talk to one of your real friends telling them how you want to hang out, you appreciate them and don't look them in the eye. You aren't going to get that person to believe you. This fact forced me to look myself in the eye. Looking myself in the eye I physically felt totally vulnerable to my own judgement.
Needless to say those ten minutes were a little harder than I had anticipated but it was full of a whole lot of information for me because of it. And what I settled on as THE big thing I have to work out that causes the avoiding eye contact and the focusing on the flaws is that I don't believe that the kind of love I offer to others I can trust in receiving back. I am not on board yet that it belongs in my life too. Yeah, that is a thing for me apparently. Better to know about it than to be driven by it without any awareness I am coming into interactions with this strapped to my hip. "Good God woman," I thought to myself, "what the hell do you do with this? And how looonngggg have you been living your life from this place?"
Look, this freeing yourself thing, it is tough, it brings up crap from the basement and the dark corners of your mind. But if any of us want to really be good with life, with ourselves, we gotta do it. We have to be willing to "Suck it up buttercup!" and just do the sh* t that we need to do (like standing in your panties talking to yourself like some weirdo) so that it can happen.
I write a lot about ideas, abstractions really, thoughts and perceptions but the kinds of events that cause this sort of self deprecation are/were real tangible events. The kinds of things I have gone through could make your blood curdle. How perceptually "bad" my life experiences were is not really the point though because ALL of us has had something. And these events do affect us, and apparently they can even make us feel like we can not trust someone to love us in a basically kind, compassionate, accepting way, and that we end up feeling like that kind of love does not belong to us (everyone else sure but not us). So what did I learn in this exercise (and there are more steps by the way, this was day one of ten) I learned there is more to heal. I learned I have more baggage to let go of. I learned where to look now to do the letting go so I can believe it does belong to me too. I know enough by now to understand that if I don't really believe something belongs in my life it could show up a thousand and one times and I won't even recognize it if it does because I can't even see it as possible.
I would suggest to anyone for you to stand in the middle of your bedroom in your underwear and talk to yourself like some weirdo. But if you don't do THIS thing, do something. Do one thing everyday if you can to let that sh*t go, give yourself a little more freedom, a little more room to move.
Here is the link to his website just in case you wanna get a little freaky today...
https://divinelove-academy.com/mirror-work-gift/
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