I always thought of my body as this biological robot my consciousness lived in... Maybe it is because I like sci-fi, maybe it's just a random idea I dunno. But as I have shared before I have had body issues off and on most of my life. I was in a family where looking a certain way, being a certain size was expected. I teetered on the edge of anorexia as a high school/ college person. I did spend some time pretty okay with where I was after my first child but after my second I made a choice to gain a whole lot of weight. I chose to gain the weight as a way to make sure I didn't get involved with a man again.
All of the details of this is not really the point though, except to illustrate the manifestations the view about my body has over time created. I saw my body as a sort of prison. It kept me locked into having to be or appear a certain way and it separated my soul from what I believed was "home". Being in this form I am in, this physical shape prevented me in my mind from my own freedom. If I looked differently, if I was thinner or more curvy, if I had flawless skin, fairer skin, darker skin, my hair looked differently and on and on.... It was a war I was waging with the transporter of my soul. It was not that I hated myself as much as I hated feeling like I was trapped by what I looked like and prevented from being who I was. Does that make any sense?
I started losing weight last June. I was 5'3 and 230 lbs. I eventually started doing yoga, something I had meant to do or done very briefly off and on over the years. I do it everyday now, if I miss it, I miss it. In doing the yoga I started settling into my body more. I began appreciating the strength of my body. I also began to think about it in a different way.
About a month or so ago during my yoga practice an idea washed over me. The idea was that the pain in my body or anyway my body is out of balance, is my body holding space for the emotions I can not face. Then I connected this to the idea I have that within my body, my physical form there is a universe swirling about. There are galaxies and solar systems of cells and an interconnectedness so vast (as above so below). I felt some how my body holding space for those events and emotions I could not face at the time was an immense act of love and compassion for me. A wash of gratitude came over me and flowed into every cell. Thank you, I thought to myself. Thank you for your compassion for me and being willing to suffer until I was able to heal what needed healing in my mind and my emotions. I hold thus gratitude everyday now.
Since that day my experience of my body is vastly different. It is no longer a cage to my soul. It is a complex universe of love which allows me to experience this life. Because of my body I can kiss my children's heads, I can hug my dog, I can smell the flowers, feel the cool breeze off the ocean. Because of my body I can have the physical experiences of love. I have such gratitude for this strong collection of cells that has endured my hostility with nothing but compassion for my pain.
All of the details of this is not really the point though, except to illustrate the manifestations the view about my body has over time created. I saw my body as a sort of prison. It kept me locked into having to be or appear a certain way and it separated my soul from what I believed was "home". Being in this form I am in, this physical shape prevented me in my mind from my own freedom. If I looked differently, if I was thinner or more curvy, if I had flawless skin, fairer skin, darker skin, my hair looked differently and on and on.... It was a war I was waging with the transporter of my soul. It was not that I hated myself as much as I hated feeling like I was trapped by what I looked like and prevented from being who I was. Does that make any sense?
I started losing weight last June. I was 5'3 and 230 lbs. I eventually started doing yoga, something I had meant to do or done very briefly off and on over the years. I do it everyday now, if I miss it, I miss it. In doing the yoga I started settling into my body more. I began appreciating the strength of my body. I also began to think about it in a different way.
About a month or so ago during my yoga practice an idea washed over me. The idea was that the pain in my body or anyway my body is out of balance, is my body holding space for the emotions I can not face. Then I connected this to the idea I have that within my body, my physical form there is a universe swirling about. There are galaxies and solar systems of cells and an interconnectedness so vast (as above so below). I felt some how my body holding space for those events and emotions I could not face at the time was an immense act of love and compassion for me. A wash of gratitude came over me and flowed into every cell. Thank you, I thought to myself. Thank you for your compassion for me and being willing to suffer until I was able to heal what needed healing in my mind and my emotions. I hold thus gratitude everyday now.
Since that day my experience of my body is vastly different. It is no longer a cage to my soul. It is a complex universe of love which allows me to experience this life. Because of my body I can kiss my children's heads, I can hug my dog, I can smell the flowers, feel the cool breeze off the ocean. Because of my body I can have the physical experiences of love. I have such gratitude for this strong collection of cells that has endured my hostility with nothing but compassion for my pain.
No comments:
Post a Comment