I write these posts here mainly as catharsis for myself. I chose when I decided to open my heart up to someone in January 2018 to face what fears I had from my childhood as well as past relationships. It has been a difficult road and not without miss steps or going backwards. I have however moved along this road out of sheer faith. I am a believer in a higher wisdom than my own. My entire life I had faith in things most people saw as irrational or fanciful. In 2004 I died briefly, I went into respiratory failure and my then 5 yr. old called 911. The last thing I remember from the time I collapsed until a day later was the firemen coming up the stairs and one of them yelling to the other... " Go grab a crash cart! We got a blue one! " The Dr.'s don't know why I stoped breathing, they never explained it. That story is between me and God. After that and the Near Death Experience I had during the two hours they worked on me, my faith changed. I had had the opportunity to stand in the light that was an actual experience of what I had only believed to be there my whole life.
I got really lost in my life. I was wounded frequently and I had lost sight of the fact that my faith in something greater than myself was not my escape from this world but a part of why I am here. I had lost at the time the ability to allow myself to be as I was when no one was looking. My decision to open up my heart starting in Oct. 2017 let in a little more light. The little more light was enough to create a snowball affect. Each time I healed something, faced a memory, released a belief that kept me small and wounded the light got a little bigger. The light getting bigger encouraged me to keep going.
This blog, my posts on Lyf, they are a nudging by the truth I seek. I prefer to be behind the scenes actually, to be observing and assisting but not necessarily seen. On the one hand I see myself able to get corrupted by any attention I might get and on the other I think the why of what I am doing is more important. I have no agenda here except to share what I experience that I might give more meaning to my suffering than any pain it caused. I have been nudged, guided, encouraged by an inner guidance to go waayyy outside of my comfort zone during this whole process. And there may be some people who would interpret some things I say here as an attempt at attention or my trying to illicit a certain response. I could argue against that but more than anything that form of jadedness makes me very sad.
You who read these words don't know me, you don't know who I am outside of this screen. I could be just a wounded child inside who is looking for attention or who is trying to be this thing or that. The truth of it is that sharing my truth here, my dreams, the strange unfolding process I sometimes don't understand... it frightens me. It doesn't make me feel like I stand in a spotlight or that I can find someone to believe in something that simply isn't true...
I have been guided to do this and as the guidance suggests all along "Trust the unfolding of the process. Allow. You do not have to be afraid anymore." So, I listen, despite my inner child saying "Um, please don't do this! Please don't expose my fallability. Please don't put so much truth out there that I could be misunderstood and therefore still go unseen!" I have pacified its pleas through my faith there is a reason for the guidance.
If, for reasons all your own you see my words as woundings crying out through manipulation... I have compassion for you. I would like to convince you I have no agenda, I value my integrity, and that I don't lie (to a fault). I don't think I can or that I should have to do that.
All I am about right now, right here and attempting to do in every moment, is live what is true for ME. I hope along the way it might do some good for someone else. I can not stay on a spiritual path if my agenda is to illicit a certain response even if I am lying. If I lie it necessarily means I have lost my way. I am no longer willing to do that for anyone anymore. I did that too many times in the past to think it will get me where I want to go. If I allow my woundings to cause me to connect with someone only from a place where I want to be rescued I have already assured I will never get free. The ONLY person who is going to free me is ME. I am the only one with the power to do so. I don't want to be saved anymore, I want to be the heroine of my own life. I don't think I can save anyone either. Everyone is responsible for their own life, their own journey. Each of us comes into and goes out of this world alone and carries either our dharma or our karma because of what we did or did not do in this life. We are held responsible even by God.
We can not go around still afraid people have hidden agendas. We can not still go around pushing people away because the more real it gets the scarier it is because at some point we have to let someone actually in. We can not look to the world around us as proof that we can not have what it is we keep insisting we want.
I can not be trusted unless someone is willing to trust. I will not go around kicking down closed doors anymore. If you don't want to open the door when I knock.... It is not my door. I can not, scratch that, WILL not go through life convincing anymore people I can be trusted, they are safe with me, they will be loved without the desire to harm (or even a lack of awareness that I could do that). I don't have any desire to be a cause of pain, or a trigger, or any suffering for anyone anywhere. Because the level of my empathy (if nothing else) allows me to feel what it is I have done.
My agenda here has nothing more to do with anything other than following my own path. If something I say helps you, wonderful! If it makes you question my motives ask yourself why and if you are projecting on me. Is there anything here that would suggest I am anything other than who I say I am?
Here is an excerpt from a love letter (email) I wrote in January to someone.... I am adding it here against my better judgement because the Divine is nudging....
I do not approach relationships or love (of any kind) from a place of thinking about what I can get out of it or from them, which is partly why it gets imbalanced I think. When I care about someone I try and make every day, every interaction, an active choice to bring to them everything my loving them would naturally demand. I try very hard to avoid doing anything that is not from my caring how they will be affected by what I do or say. I want them to feel seen, accepted and appreciated. And yeah, sometimes I’m a cranky bitch and I stumble but I always try to come back, apologize and try to express what caused me to react the way I did. I’m human. I fuck up sometimes even with something I respect as deeply as relationships and love. I know if I am feeling defensive my words can get biting, I can be too blunt and I can come across as either not caring or being judgemental.
So let me lay out a bit about how I try to show up in my romantic relationships. I am generally not in the grey with these relationships. I usually am a yes or a no about someone. When I choose to let a man be my lover or I fall in love with him I don’t dip a toe, I choose to embrace who he is and care for him with as much loyalty to my feelings as I can. I’ve never cheated on anyone, whether they raised a hand to me not, they cheated or not, I loved them or not or I had opportunities outside the relationship even if things were bad between us. My sense of loyalty to my feelings about right and wrong and my integrity won’t let me do that. I would not be proud of who I am if those are the kinds of choices I made in life. Being this way is the same for me as not lying, it is just not who I want to be.
When I love a man I want my partner to show me their scars and the truths they might not give to anyone else and I want to do that too. I want the full spectrum of who he is and experience the full spectrum of life with him. I want to have long exchanges of beliefs and debates with him, I want to tell stupid jokes to each other and laugh and cry and fight if we need to fight. I want to see him not just at his best but also at his worst. I want to know he has complexity and is a full human being, not just a happy guy or a fun guy but a man who has dealt with some hard knocks and somehow managed to not become a complete asshole. In fact, I want to be there when life gives him something hard so I get the chance to be there for him and demonstrate my love for him. You never really know who someone is in your life until you need them in a big way.
Because of the value I place on love, sex, and my own integrity I have been a serial monogamist. Sometimes there has been several years between men being allowed into my life, it has happened more than once. I’m not too interested in making myself available to just anyone who shows interest either. A man needs to show up with something other than being aroused by me. I want to be engaged by who they are as a person. It also takes me a while to decide to move it into the bedroom, usually at least three or four months because I have my issues with feeling like I can trust people, and that is if we are actively going on dates, emailing etc. regularly. I also don't leave relationships on a whim, I have to have tried multiple times to fix things before I decide to throw in the towel even in extreme situations. I am loyal to my own detriment at times. I love rarely but I love very deeply.
I already care about you. I also care about how the world affects you and how you feel. I am in love with you. Saying that to you is scary as hell. You are who I think of in the first five minutes when I open my eyes and you are like the last thing I think about at night. You made me aware of things I needed and wanted from a man I didn't even know existed. Knowing you are in this world just makes me happy. The idea I feel like this and you might not feel anything at all makes me afraid I'll just come across as some crazy, ungrounded, overly emotional creature. I don't want to be a fool. I am willing to seem a little foolish or impetuous though if a chance to have you in my life is the reason for the risk... With you I decided I would be courageous, to be afraid but do it anyway.
I can’t promise you or even myself that there won’t be times when I stumble and fuck up or that you won't if you decide to do this, or even that it will be happily ever after with no one getting hurt in the end. But I can promise this: I only want to bring the best version of my self to you because I care about you and I believe you deserve it. You make me want to be the best I can be in every part of my life so I can give you something more for yours. I promise I have the intention to NOT hurt you but to see who you are in all your complexity and genuinely appreciate who you are Ray. I want to give you my hand and help you stand if you fall, and to help celebrate every good thing that comes into your life. I want to be a good thing that came into your life. I don’t have an impressive career, I’m not financially stable, I have a messy past, present and possibly future. All I have to offer you is me and my heart.
I got really lost in my life. I was wounded frequently and I had lost sight of the fact that my faith in something greater than myself was not my escape from this world but a part of why I am here. I had lost at the time the ability to allow myself to be as I was when no one was looking. My decision to open up my heart starting in Oct. 2017 let in a little more light. The little more light was enough to create a snowball affect. Each time I healed something, faced a memory, released a belief that kept me small and wounded the light got a little bigger. The light getting bigger encouraged me to keep going.
This blog, my posts on Lyf, they are a nudging by the truth I seek. I prefer to be behind the scenes actually, to be observing and assisting but not necessarily seen. On the one hand I see myself able to get corrupted by any attention I might get and on the other I think the why of what I am doing is more important. I have no agenda here except to share what I experience that I might give more meaning to my suffering than any pain it caused. I have been nudged, guided, encouraged by an inner guidance to go waayyy outside of my comfort zone during this whole process. And there may be some people who would interpret some things I say here as an attempt at attention or my trying to illicit a certain response. I could argue against that but more than anything that form of jadedness makes me very sad.
You who read these words don't know me, you don't know who I am outside of this screen. I could be just a wounded child inside who is looking for attention or who is trying to be this thing or that. The truth of it is that sharing my truth here, my dreams, the strange unfolding process I sometimes don't understand... it frightens me. It doesn't make me feel like I stand in a spotlight or that I can find someone to believe in something that simply isn't true...
I have been guided to do this and as the guidance suggests all along "Trust the unfolding of the process. Allow. You do not have to be afraid anymore." So, I listen, despite my inner child saying "Um, please don't do this! Please don't expose my fallability. Please don't put so much truth out there that I could be misunderstood and therefore still go unseen!" I have pacified its pleas through my faith there is a reason for the guidance.
If, for reasons all your own you see my words as woundings crying out through manipulation... I have compassion for you. I would like to convince you I have no agenda, I value my integrity, and that I don't lie (to a fault). I don't think I can or that I should have to do that.
All I am about right now, right here and attempting to do in every moment, is live what is true for ME. I hope along the way it might do some good for someone else. I can not stay on a spiritual path if my agenda is to illicit a certain response even if I am lying. If I lie it necessarily means I have lost my way. I am no longer willing to do that for anyone anymore. I did that too many times in the past to think it will get me where I want to go. If I allow my woundings to cause me to connect with someone only from a place where I want to be rescued I have already assured I will never get free. The ONLY person who is going to free me is ME. I am the only one with the power to do so. I don't want to be saved anymore, I want to be the heroine of my own life. I don't think I can save anyone either. Everyone is responsible for their own life, their own journey. Each of us comes into and goes out of this world alone and carries either our dharma or our karma because of what we did or did not do in this life. We are held responsible even by God.
We can not go around still afraid people have hidden agendas. We can not still go around pushing people away because the more real it gets the scarier it is because at some point we have to let someone actually in. We can not look to the world around us as proof that we can not have what it is we keep insisting we want.
I can not be trusted unless someone is willing to trust. I will not go around kicking down closed doors anymore. If you don't want to open the door when I knock.... It is not my door. I can not, scratch that, WILL not go through life convincing anymore people I can be trusted, they are safe with me, they will be loved without the desire to harm (or even a lack of awareness that I could do that). I don't have any desire to be a cause of pain, or a trigger, or any suffering for anyone anywhere. Because the level of my empathy (if nothing else) allows me to feel what it is I have done.
My agenda here has nothing more to do with anything other than following my own path. If something I say helps you, wonderful! If it makes you question my motives ask yourself why and if you are projecting on me. Is there anything here that would suggest I am anything other than who I say I am?
Here is an excerpt from a love letter (email) I wrote in January to someone.... I am adding it here against my better judgement because the Divine is nudging....
I do not approach relationships or love (of any kind) from a place of thinking about what I can get out of it or from them, which is partly why it gets imbalanced I think. When I care about someone I try and make every day, every interaction, an active choice to bring to them everything my loving them would naturally demand. I try very hard to avoid doing anything that is not from my caring how they will be affected by what I do or say. I want them to feel seen, accepted and appreciated. And yeah, sometimes I’m a cranky bitch and I stumble but I always try to come back, apologize and try to express what caused me to react the way I did. I’m human. I fuck up sometimes even with something I respect as deeply as relationships and love. I know if I am feeling defensive my words can get biting, I can be too blunt and I can come across as either not caring or being judgemental.
So let me lay out a bit about how I try to show up in my romantic relationships. I am generally not in the grey with these relationships. I usually am a yes or a no about someone. When I choose to let a man be my lover or I fall in love with him I don’t dip a toe, I choose to embrace who he is and care for him with as much loyalty to my feelings as I can. I’ve never cheated on anyone, whether they raised a hand to me not, they cheated or not, I loved them or not or I had opportunities outside the relationship even if things were bad between us. My sense of loyalty to my feelings about right and wrong and my integrity won’t let me do that. I would not be proud of who I am if those are the kinds of choices I made in life. Being this way is the same for me as not lying, it is just not who I want to be.
When I love a man I want my partner to show me their scars and the truths they might not give to anyone else and I want to do that too. I want the full spectrum of who he is and experience the full spectrum of life with him. I want to have long exchanges of beliefs and debates with him, I want to tell stupid jokes to each other and laugh and cry and fight if we need to fight. I want to see him not just at his best but also at his worst. I want to know he has complexity and is a full human being, not just a happy guy or a fun guy but a man who has dealt with some hard knocks and somehow managed to not become a complete asshole. In fact, I want to be there when life gives him something hard so I get the chance to be there for him and demonstrate my love for him. You never really know who someone is in your life until you need them in a big way.
Because of the value I place on love, sex, and my own integrity I have been a serial monogamist. Sometimes there has been several years between men being allowed into my life, it has happened more than once. I’m not too interested in making myself available to just anyone who shows interest either. A man needs to show up with something other than being aroused by me. I want to be engaged by who they are as a person. It also takes me a while to decide to move it into the bedroom, usually at least three or four months because I have my issues with feeling like I can trust people, and that is if we are actively going on dates, emailing etc. regularly. I also don't leave relationships on a whim, I have to have tried multiple times to fix things before I decide to throw in the towel even in extreme situations. I am loyal to my own detriment at times. I love rarely but I love very deeply.
I already care about you. I also care about how the world affects you and how you feel. I am in love with you. Saying that to you is scary as hell. You are who I think of in the first five minutes when I open my eyes and you are like the last thing I think about at night. You made me aware of things I needed and wanted from a man I didn't even know existed. Knowing you are in this world just makes me happy. The idea I feel like this and you might not feel anything at all makes me afraid I'll just come across as some crazy, ungrounded, overly emotional creature. I don't want to be a fool. I am willing to seem a little foolish or impetuous though if a chance to have you in my life is the reason for the risk... With you I decided I would be courageous, to be afraid but do it anyway.
I can’t promise you or even myself that there won’t be times when I stumble and fuck up or that you won't if you decide to do this, or even that it will be happily ever after with no one getting hurt in the end. But I can promise this: I only want to bring the best version of my self to you because I care about you and I believe you deserve it. You make me want to be the best I can be in every part of my life so I can give you something more for yours. I promise I have the intention to NOT hurt you but to see who you are in all your complexity and genuinely appreciate who you are Ray. I want to give you my hand and help you stand if you fall, and to help celebrate every good thing that comes into your life. I want to be a good thing that came into your life. I don’t have an impressive career, I’m not financially stable, I have a messy past, present and possibly future. All I have to offer you is me and my heart.
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