I have said before that this walk I am on, this journey is a bumpy one, and I sometimes fall down. Right now I am being asked to expand more, beyond just speaking my truth in this world on this screen. I am being moved in the direction of being in it more fully as well. I discovered over the last two days that my holding myself back by allowing myself to connect with others has blocked my growth and healing. I got comfortable, I told myself this writing I am doing and focusing on my internal world, my spiritual world was enough. Writing words on a screen, and reaching out into the world in this way was just a baby step. The truth of the matter has been that for the better part of 20 years I have been shut down. I have blocked out people who tried to be my friend or my lover on a regular basis. I told myself I had my responsibilities and children to raise. The truth, the truth is less pretty. I was just afraid.
I had felt too many times I had opened up to people only to be turned away when I needed them the most. I wasn't willing to even take the chance that it might happen again. I was a big girl who didn't need anyone or anything. I could handle it all by myself. I haven't only been running from my love life I realized today. I have been running from living. I shield myself with my responsibilities, my writing, my art, and pretend it is enough. I pretend it fills every requirement for being engaged in life. I know better. I always knew better. I know you can just not be alive anymore in any given moment. I know that the dew on the grass is magic, the feel of the ground under your bare feet is a gift. Being alive and engaged with everything around you is a profound experience the true essence of who we are, our consciousness, wants more than anything else. More than half of that experience IS other people. So I have been at best half alive.
I hit a wall last night. I started getting scared because I was being more than I have for a long time and yet, at the same time asked to be more still. I began to do what I always do, disengaging, and running. I almost turned around and ran away from everything I want most and have been working so hard for. The only thing that stopped me was a profound love which exists in this world and running back into my old patterns would take that connection away from me.
So this morning I sat down and I began to journal. I simply asked "Let me see the truth. Where is this coming from? Lift the veil, let me see it." And then I began to write. I got into feeling lost, and overwhelmed so I stopped, did some deep breathing and waited. I dropped expectation and allowed my subconscious to tell me what was going on. The answer I got was that I still see people as potential villains. I see their ego, their judgements, and I see their ability to harm. I have believed they are more than this, believed in the soul and a spark of Divine life. Yet, I interact as if they are nothing more than someone to be afraid of.
If I want a life where I feel alive, where I am actually living, I need to shift this. I can not be as I am meant to be in this world and do the work I seek to do for others if I am locked in the proverbial room from my past. I cannot do this if I am still hiding away and afraid. I can not love if I am doing it from afar, anf I can not be of service if I am not actually doing anything.
If I see the people before me not just as a person put in my path to help, yet still separate I fail to live in the truth of it completely. If I walk in what I believe to be true about who we fundamentally are then when I see you I see your soul, your light. If I see this then even if you harm my body YOU do not harm me, even if your words are cruel YOU do not judge me. This is true because the soul of who you are is filled with grace and is the same stuff I am made of. Your soul is the same as the star dust that made the life we stand in. It is the same ad the light in the eyes of the man i love and the children I have carried. So the harming and cruelty is not done by who you fundamentally are. The perception that it is different than this is just a perception, a lense through which I am seeing a thing, it is an incomplete understanding.
If I can walk in the truth of my belief, my faith in the inherent goodness and rightness (a grander design) in all things, I do not have to be afraid the person in front of me is an enemy. I do not have anything to protect myself from.
The unfolding understanding of this has settled that need to run. It has settled the voice in my mind who says my imperfections can not be overcome because there are too many. I will have to however, not just think this thing, believe, or perceive it. I will have to act on it. I will have to now live in this truth.
I had felt too many times I had opened up to people only to be turned away when I needed them the most. I wasn't willing to even take the chance that it might happen again. I was a big girl who didn't need anyone or anything. I could handle it all by myself. I haven't only been running from my love life I realized today. I have been running from living. I shield myself with my responsibilities, my writing, my art, and pretend it is enough. I pretend it fills every requirement for being engaged in life. I know better. I always knew better. I know you can just not be alive anymore in any given moment. I know that the dew on the grass is magic, the feel of the ground under your bare feet is a gift. Being alive and engaged with everything around you is a profound experience the true essence of who we are, our consciousness, wants more than anything else. More than half of that experience IS other people. So I have been at best half alive.
I hit a wall last night. I started getting scared because I was being more than I have for a long time and yet, at the same time asked to be more still. I began to do what I always do, disengaging, and running. I almost turned around and ran away from everything I want most and have been working so hard for. The only thing that stopped me was a profound love which exists in this world and running back into my old patterns would take that connection away from me.
So this morning I sat down and I began to journal. I simply asked "Let me see the truth. Where is this coming from? Lift the veil, let me see it." And then I began to write. I got into feeling lost, and overwhelmed so I stopped, did some deep breathing and waited. I dropped expectation and allowed my subconscious to tell me what was going on. The answer I got was that I still see people as potential villains. I see their ego, their judgements, and I see their ability to harm. I have believed they are more than this, believed in the soul and a spark of Divine life. Yet, I interact as if they are nothing more than someone to be afraid of.
If I want a life where I feel alive, where I am actually living, I need to shift this. I can not be as I am meant to be in this world and do the work I seek to do for others if I am locked in the proverbial room from my past. I cannot do this if I am still hiding away and afraid. I can not love if I am doing it from afar, anf I can not be of service if I am not actually doing anything.
If I see the people before me not just as a person put in my path to help, yet still separate I fail to live in the truth of it completely. If I walk in what I believe to be true about who we fundamentally are then when I see you I see your soul, your light. If I see this then even if you harm my body YOU do not harm me, even if your words are cruel YOU do not judge me. This is true because the soul of who you are is filled with grace and is the same stuff I am made of. Your soul is the same as the star dust that made the life we stand in. It is the same ad the light in the eyes of the man i love and the children I have carried. So the harming and cruelty is not done by who you fundamentally are. The perception that it is different than this is just a perception, a lense through which I am seeing a thing, it is an incomplete understanding.
If I can walk in the truth of my belief, my faith in the inherent goodness and rightness (a grander design) in all things, I do not have to be afraid the person in front of me is an enemy. I do not have anything to protect myself from.
The unfolding understanding of this has settled that need to run. It has settled the voice in my mind who says my imperfections can not be overcome because there are too many. I will have to however, not just think this thing, believe, or perceive it. I will have to act on it. I will have to now live in this truth.
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